One thing that has profoundly transformed my life is practicing self-empathy. When I first heard the term, it was eye-opening—I realized I wasn’t empathetic towards myself at all. Despite practicing lovingkindness meditation for over two decades, I had never considered having empathy for myself.
My lack of self-empathy was evident in how hard I was on myself during tough times. I saw unhappiness as a personal failure, believing I should always be happy. This mindset led to deeper depression, as I blamed myself for feeling down, only making things worse.
Over time, I learned to be more understanding and supportive of myself. Now, I see developing self-empathy as essential for practicing self-kindness. Since kindness to oneself is the foundation for being kind to others, self-empathy underpins the entire practice of lovingkindness.
To cultivate self-empathy, start by recognizing that you’re a feeling being. Your emotions matter. Ignoring them might help you push through tasks temporarily, but it comes at a cost: decreased ability to enjoy life, emotional brittleness, and struggles in forming meaningful connections. Embrace that it’s okay to feel.
Next, understand that deep down, you want happiness and wish to avoid suffering. This instinct is deeply rooted in all sentient beings. Our feelings help us navigate towards benefits and away from threats. While we can suppress these instincts, viewing emotions as weaknesses, self-empathy involves paying attention to our emotional needs.
Being human means striving for wellbeing and avoiding suffering, even though both can be elusive. Empathy involves acknowledging that it’s tough being human—struggling doesn’t mean failure, it means you’re human, shaped by evolutionary challenges.
This realization encourages us to support and encourage ourselves through life’s ups and downs. As Rev. John Watson said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” And who do you meet most often? Yourself.
Empathizing with ourselves vastly improves our wellbeing. For instance, I often talk to myself kindly when I’m struggling. Simple phrases like “May I be well, may I be happy” can help, but using more natural language is even better. I might say, “I know you’re anxious right now, but I’m here for you. We’ve been through this before and we’ll get through it again.”
Another way to be kind to yourself is through a gentle inner gaze. Imagine how you look at a sleeping child or a beloved pet—with fondness and tenderness. Turn that same attention inwards. Looking at yourself with love and appreciation can make you feel supported and better able to handle tough times.
Lastly, touch can convey kindness. When a loved one is hurting, you might instinctively hug them or place a comforting hand on their shoulder. I often put my hand on my heart while speaking kindly to myself. This combination of self-talk, gentle gaze, and touch is incredibly sustaining.
Some people worry that self-compassion will make them weak. In fact, research indicates that those skilled in self-compassion are more emotionally resilient. Accepting and turning towards painful feelings is challenging, but it builds strength.
Over the years, I’ve found that the more empathetic and kind I am to myself, the more I can extend that empathy and kindness to others. Just as I desire happiness and freedom from suffering, so do others. Recognizing this helps me convey kindness to others, whether through words, actions, or simply the way I look at them.