Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, I visited the apartment of a recently divorced woman I had just started dating. Suddenly, her ex-husband showed up unexpectedly while she was away for a few minutes. It was an awkward situation, to say the least. Trying to ease the tension, I offered him a cup of coffee, which he accepted. He asked for sugar, but I didn’t know where it was. After some searching, I found a sugar bowl and added two spoonfuls to his coffee. He took a sip and made a face of disgust—I had accidentally given him salt instead of sugar. Naturally, I felt awful and worried he’d think I did it on purpose.
The story’s lesson is that sometimes we mix things up, which can lead to unpleasant outcomes. This is particularly true in spiritual practice, even more so than with mislabeling things.
The Buddha once compared misunderstanding teachings to grabbing a snake by the wrong end. If you need to pick up a snake, you should grab it just behind the head, not by the tail, or you’ll get bitten. So, how do people make similar mistakes in spiritual practice?
Firstly, non-attachment is about recognizing your own desires and letting them go. For example, instead of always talking about yourself, try listening empathetically to others. Non-attachment doesn’t mean not caring; equating it with emotional detachment is a misunderstanding. Real non-attachment allows us to care genuinely by letting go of our avoidance strategies.
Secondly, sometimes we mistake patience as putting up with unacceptable behavior. Perhaps you endure an unsupportive partner or a friend who never lets you speak, thinking you’re being ‘patient.’ However, real patience might mean being more assertive so that both parties can be happier.
Thirdly, some people are compassionate toward others but harsh on themselves. Buddhist teachings emphasize that true compassion for others begins with kindness to oneself. Initially, I thought this teaching was flawed, but I realized most of my kindness towards others stemmed from a desire to be liked or to feel good about myself because I wasn’t kind to myself. When I learned self-empathy, compassion for others naturally followed.
Lastly, the concept of karma is often misunderstood. The Buddha intended it as a personal practice—for self-reflection, not for judging others. Misusing karma to validate judgments or to dismiss others’ suffering creates more pain. True understanding of karma should lead us to respond to suffering with compassion rather than judgment.
These are just a few examples of how Buddhist teachings can be misunderstood, causing more harm than good. It’s essential to approach these teachings correctly, like handling a snake the right way or ensuring you’re putting sugar and not salt in your coffee.