You might think that the solution to self-hatred is to start liking yourself. But is that really possible or even what we want? We all have feelings like jealousy, hatred, and greed. Are we supposed to like those feelings and act on them? The idea of liking ourselves doesn’t make much sense. When I look at myself, I see a mix of things—some that are good for me and others that cause problems. There’s no single “self” to like.
I have good qualities, but I also have harmful habits like irritability, the need to always be right, and doubts about my self-worth. These cause suffering for me and those around me. But hating these parts of myself is useless. It just creates more conflict within me. Hating ourselves means being at war with ourselves, and no one wins in that situation. As Buddha said, hatred never conquers hatred.
This doesn’t mean I approve of my negative impulses or want to act on them. If I did, my life would be full of even more suffering. I don’t like my harmful habits—the irritability, self-doubt, etc. Liking something means having positive feelings about it, which I don’t have for these traits. But I can accept them and be kind to myself.
Acceptance means recognizing that these traits are part of me. They are part of the wide range of emotions that come with being human. I didn’t choose to have them, so it makes no sense to judge myself harshly for them. I don’t need to hate myself just because I’m human.
I heard someone in a discussion with Buddhist teachers say they realized they didn’t have to like every part of themselves to love themselves. They just needed to have some compassion for themselves. This showed me that it’s possible to be kind and compassionate to every part of ourselves, even the destructive tendencies.
These negative habits come from suffering. They are ways of trying to handle painful feelings. Irritability tries to keep distress away. Jealousy wants what someone else has. Doubt tries to figure out what’s wrong in our lives. Every harmful impulse is an attempt to find peace and happiness, but they don’t work.
Buddha said if letting go of harmful habits caused pain instead of peace, he wouldn’t have taught us to do it. He didn’t think these habits were inherently bad. He’d have encouraged us to keep our greed, hatred, and delusion if they made us happy. But they don’t.
Our goal is to find better ways. Developing skillfulness means finding ways to live that bring peace and harmony. Lacking skill means trying to create happiness but ending up with suffering and conflict. When we hate our harmful tendencies, we treat them as enemies. But they are more like confused friends trying to help us but failing. Once we empathize with these confused friends, we can find better ways to achieve the same goals. Mindfulness and self-compassion are our best tools.
Irritability and hatred try to keep distress away. Mindful self-compassion shows that it’s not the unpleasant feeling that’s the problem, but our resistance to it. It lets us be present with painful feelings until they pass naturally, helping us appreciate what we were irritated by.
Jealousy painfully wants a benefit someone else has. Self-compassion soothes this pain and helps us feel abundant in kindness toward ourselves and glad for others. Self-doubt tries to find if something is wrong with us. Mindful self-compassion reassures us, reminding us to trust our practice and see our inherent goodness.
In all cases, empathizing with our harmful tendencies makes us happier. Practicing self-compassion is like being a kind and wise parent to ourselves. If our children act badly, they don’t need our hatred. They need our kindness, empathy, and wise guidance. We need to learn to relate to ourselves this way to flourish and be happy long-term.