One of the most transformative changes in my life has been practicing self-empathy. The first time I heard the term, it was a revelation because I realized I had never been empathetic toward myself, despite over two decades of practicing lovingkindness meditation.
I noticed my lack of self-empathy in how harsh I could be on myself when struggling. I viewed unhappiness as a personal failure, believing I should always be happy. This self-blame led to deep depression as I magnified my feelings of unhappiness by being even more critical of myself.
Over the years, I’ve improved at being more understanding and supportive of myself. I now view developing self-empathy as essential for cultivating self-kindness, which is the foundation for being kind to others.
Self-empathy means recognizing and accepting that you are a feeling being. Your emotions are important, and while you can suppress them temporarily, it comes at the cost of diminished joy, emotional brittleness, and difficulty connecting with others. Accepting that it’s okay to feel is key to self-empathy.
Another crucial aspect is realizing that deep down, you want to be happy and avoid suffering—basic instincts shared by all sentient beings. Our feelings evolved to help us survive by guiding us toward benefits and away from threats. Self-empathy involves being sensitive to these emotional needs.
Life presents many challenges that can make well-being elusive and suffering common. Recognizing that being human means facing difficulties is a part of empathy. Struggling isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a fundamental aspect of our human experience.
This understanding leads us to naturally offer ourselves support and encouragement during life’s hardships. Remembering that everyone we meet, including ourselves, is fighting their battles can foster this supportive attitude.
We can show ourselves kindness in many ways. For instance, I often talk to myself internally when facing tough times. I use natural and comforting language, reassuring myself that I can get through it, like “I know you’re anxious right now, but I’m here for you. We’ve faced this before and made it through.”
Another method is adopting a kindly inner gaze, similar to how one would look at a beloved sleeping child or a dear pet. Turning that loving attention inward can make us feel supported, helping us endure difficult times better.
Touch is another powerful way to show kindness to ourselves. Comforting gestures like placing a hand on your heart while speaking kindly to yourself can be very sustaining.
Some people think developing self-compassion makes you weak, but research shows it’s the opposite. Those with strong self-compassion skills are more emotionally resilient. Learning to face and accept painful feelings is indeed challenging but rewarding.
In my experience, the more empathetic and kind I am to myself, the more I extend these feelings to others. Just as I wish to be happy and free from suffering, so do others. This empathy translates into kindness expressed through words, gestures, or actions to support others through their challenges.