Self-compassion has been the most impactful practice I’ve found during my 30 years of studying Buddhism. It’s helped me navigate everything from a child’s tantrum to financial struggles and serious health issues, making me kinder to both myself and others. I can’t think of any other practice that has changed me as profoundly. Self-compassion, or what I like to call “lovingkindness squared,” is essentially treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer to a friend in pain.
To practice self-compassion, here are five steps you can follow.
First, recognize that our minds create stories around our suffering. These narratives can include blaming others, feeling our pain is unbearable, or thinking we’re destined to suffer. Such stories worsen our pain and should be acknowledged and then released.
The Buddha likened this to a “second arrow.” The first arrow represents the inevitable pains of life, like a toothache or emotional hurt. The second arrow is our reaction to this pain, which often involves additional suffering through grievances or a victim mentality. Each negative thought exacerbates our suffering.
Developing mindfulness takes time and practice. Initially, you might only notice these stories once you’re in the middle of a reaction. The key first step is recognizing these self-inflicted pains, thereby helping you to stop the cycle and become aware of the initial hurt.
Next, it’s vital to acknowledge when you are in pain, even if it feels trivial or habitual. Often, we overlook our own suffering, viewing it as weakness or something to be ignored. Anytime you feel frustrated, lonely, anxious, or any other negative emotion, acknowledge it as suffering.
Let’s consider an example: a friend’s comment that hurts your feelings. Sensations of pain are triggered in the body, usually in places rich with nerve endings, like the heart or gut. These physical sensations are your mind’s way of signaling potential harm.
Interestingly, studies have shown that emotional pain can lessen with painkillers like Tylenol, indicating that emotional pain is a specialized type of physical pain. In Buddhism, these feelings are called vedanas, the pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral sensations accompanying every perception.
We can’t choose to avoid being hurt, but we can control how we respond. Accepting our pain is essential. This acceptance means observing the pain without aversion, becoming mindful of its location and texture, and noticing how it changes.
By practicing acceptance, we stop adding to our suffering with second arrows. If those stories start to return, gently let them go, much like you would during meditation. The Buddha also noted that we often distract ourselves from pain by seeking pleasure through food, alcohol, or other activities. Dropping these avoidances is crucial to effectively deal with discomfort.
Turning toward pain is challenging because pain evolved as a warning signal. Instead of shutting out this discomfort, imagine a friend arriving in distress. You’d ideally invite them in, listen, and offer comfort. Do the same for yourself. Tell yourself, “It’s okay to feel this. Let me feel this.”
This mindful approach creates a “gap”—a pause where compassion can arise. After accepting your pain, give it compassionate attention, treating it as you would a wounded friend or small animal, with love and kindness.
Offer comforting thoughts to your pain, and if helpful, lay a gentle hand on the part of your body where you feel it most. Over time, you’ll find it easier to respond compassionately and appropriately to pain-inducing situations.
There are no fixed rules for how to respond, as it varies by situation. But when you cultivate self-compassion, you’ll find more creative solutions and naturally extend compassion to others.
These steps can be practiced quickly. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, rather than stewing in anger, recognize your pain, accept it, and offer compassionate thoughts. This can dissolve the anger swiftly, making you more compassionate to yourself and others.
I also use self-compassion in stressful situations, like when managing cooking and my children’s demands. Noticing tension, offering it compassion, often diffuses my irritation. It works for various emotions, making self-compassion an invaluable tool.
It’s a myth that it’s too late to practice self-compassion once you’re already reacting. The pain doesn’t vanish just because you’re reacting. Each time you let go of your stories and focus on your initial feelings, you create a gap and give yourself the freedom to respond differently.
Ultimately, treating our pain with compassion reshapes how we treat ourselves and others. When we are kind to our pain, compassion for others naturally follows, truly making self-compassion “lovingkindness squared.”
Thank you for reading.