Yesterday on Mastodon, which is the only social media platform I currently use besides hosting a private online community for Wildmind’s supporters, someone shared a link to a “love languages” quiz.
I had heard of the love languages concept before. The official website, based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, explains:
Different people with different personalities express and receive love in unique ways. By understanding these differences in yourself and others, you can identify the root of conflicts, foster deeper connections, and grow closer.
The basic idea is that people don’t always express love in the same way, so we might not recognize when someone is showing us love or know how to make them feel loved. This makes sense in my experience.
For instance, if my partner shows love by giving small gifts, but I don’t value material items and see them as clutter, I might not perceive her actions as loving. There’s a mismatch in how we interpret the act of giving.
On the other hand, if my partner wants affection through touch, but I’m not very physical, she might not feel loved when I praise her, even if I consider it a clear expression of my love. Similarly, if I try to help but she sees it as questioning her competence, there’s another disconnect. It’s like we’re speaking different languages.
I took the quiz and learned about five love languages:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch
My preferred languages were the first three. Although the quiz included trademark signs everywhere, I hope discussing “quality time” won’t get me into trouble.
Reflecting on my own relationships, I felt the most profound expressions of love weren’t included in the five languages. So, I want to share some additional love languages.
My goal isn’t to criticize Chapman’s work but to provide a broader perspective on communicating love, which might be helpful for some.
Looking with love and being looked at with love are deep forms of communication. As Jan Chozen Bays explains in her book “How to Train a Wild Elephant,” we know how to use loving eyes when falling in love, seeing a baby or a cute animal. So why don’t we use them more often?
We not only know how to look with loving eyes but also what it feels like to be looked at lovingly. This is crucial in any loving relationship—between partners, parents and children, or friends.
Looking with love plays a significant role in how I practice and teach lovingkindness. It’s a love language on its own, even though it’s not part of the traditional five. Some people are more attuned to loving looks than others, and some express love more through their eyes.
Like everyone, I have bad habits. I get irritable at times, and when I do, I try to apologize quickly, explaining what led to it—stress, tiredness, etc. I tell my partner she doesn’t deserve to be treated badly. This, to me, is an expression of love.
My partner does the same, explaining her actions and expressing remorse. This honesty and vulnerability are profound forms of love. It’s like saying, “I love you enough to take this risk,” even though it doesn’t fit into the five love languages.
There can be mismatches. Some people see apologizing as a sign of weakness or submission, while others might try to “fix” things instead of listening empathetically.
The expressions of love I value most from my partner are her patience and forgiveness. When she shows these, I truly feel loved. Accepting each other’s imperfections allows us to be ourselves, which is a huge gift. It reassures us that we’re both working on ourselves.
Patience and forgiveness are also love languages. But there can be mismatches too. One person might see patience and forgiveness as a lack of care, while another might feel forgiven means “getting away with something.” Some see conflict as a sign of love, thinking patience means indifference.
The most powerful way to connect lovingly is by talking about our lives and relationships as a spiritual practice. This involves sharing our understanding of love, our mistakes, our hopes, fears, and life’s purpose.
This is probably the deepest love language. It allows us to see each other and ourselves as spiritual beings on a journey, building trust and commitment to growth. When we share this way, we understand what truly matters, transcending the mundane aspects of life.
Mismatches can occur if one person sees these discussions as a way to prove who’s “right.” Such mismatches are painful because they touch on our core selves.
While all this might be part of Chapman’s teaching, it wasn’t apparent from the quiz questions. It focused on actions like gift-giving or undivided attention, which seemed to lack spiritual depth.
As someone who values loving relationships, I wanted to share my thoughts on communicating love. These spiritual love languages require us to speak and listen in ways that others can understand and feel loved.
Are there other love languages you believe aren’t covered by Chapman’s book or this discussion? Feel free to share your thoughts.