In one of my first experiences with loving-kindness meditation, a teacher asked me to find feelings of love in my heart and spread that love to others. I tried my best, but I couldn’t find any love in my heart. There was absolutely nothing there. This was really distressing because without feeling love, I couldn’t go on with the practice. How could I share something I didn’t have?
Since I couldn’t continue, I had a lot of time to think about what it meant that I couldn’t find any love in my heart. It made me feel like something was wrong with me, that I was somehow defective. This was incredibly upsetting and left me sinking into despair.
Eventually, the teacher ended the meditation, and I started to feel a little better. I thought maybe it was just me, but a few months later, a friend of mine shared a similar experience. He also fell into a negative spiral when trying to find love in his heart during loving-kindness meditation.
By the time my friend shared his experience, I had discovered a better way for myself. Instead of searching for love, I just observed whatever I felt in my heart, accepted it, whether it was good or bad, or even if I felt nothing at all, and then wished myself and others well.
Over time, I learned that this practice is really about kindness. It’s about being kind to ourselves first and then extending that kindness to others. Kindness isn’t a feeling; it’s an intention. It starts with recognizing that we all want happiness, peace, and wellbeing, and then wishing these things for ourselves and others.
Think about it: you are a feeling being, just like everyone else. You want to be happy, at peace, and feel good. Now think of someone else you know. They also have feelings just like you. They experience happiness and suffering just like you do. When you truly understand this, you likely won’t want to harm them. You’ll want to support their wellbeing and show kindness.
So, kindness is the desire to actively support someone’s wellbeing. Sometimes, this kindness comes with feelings of warmth or tenderness, but those feelings are just side effects. They aren’t the kindness itself.
I also picked up a practice called “Loving Eyes” from Zen teacher Jan Chozen Bays. The idea is simple: we all know how to look at something with love, like a cute kitten or a beloved child. This act of looking with love brings out natural kindness. We can extend this loving gaze to ourselves and others, and this helps us maintain that kindness.
This practice shows that loving-kindness meditation works best when we don’t try to find specific feelings in our hearts but instead look with kindness. Whatever feelings we have, we can regard them kindly. If we feel sad, we can look at that sadness with kindness. If we feel nothing, we can still be kind. The key is how we look, not what we find.
So remember, love isn’t something you search for; it’s the way you look at things. It starts with a genuine wish for safety and freedom from suffering for yourself and then extends to others. This shift in perspective can be very helpful.
When you realize that your feelings are important to you, like preferring happiness over sadness, you begin to see yourself as a feeling being. Even if you often put your feelings second to the expectations of others or your own perfectionism, recognizing that you’d rather be happy shows you do value your feelings. This understanding can help you reconsider how you approach your wellbeing and happiness.