I’ve seen many people struggle because they can’t forgive themselves. Maybe they hurt someone in the past, allowed someone to get hurt, missed an opportunity, or made a poor choice. They often torture themselves over these regrets.
People sometimes hold onto these regrets and the pain they cause for years or even decades, finding it very hard to let go. Regret can fester, much like a wound that never heals. This ongoing pain can lead to self-hatred, making us feel fundamentally bad or unworthy.
There isn’t a quick fix to forgiving ourselves. It’s a process that can take years, but there are things we can do to help move it along. We all know that the past is behind us and we can’t change it, yet we often replay it in our minds, wishing we had done things differently.
I recently spoke to someone burdened with regret and mentioned, “You did the best you could.” She doubted this, thinking that with more mindfulness or compassion, things could have turned out better. I asked her if she had those resources at that moment. She admitted she didn’t. The truth is, we all do the best we can with what we have at any given time.
This idea is hard for many to accept. We believe we could have acted differently had things been different. While that’s true, obsessing over an alternative past is pointless and painful.
We may talk about free will and our ability to choose, but, in reality, we can only pick from the limited options available to us in any moment. Sometimes, severe stress or panic can restrict our ability to consider different actions, leaving us with limited choices such as defense, aggression, retreat, or paralysis.
Right now, we might not be able to fully forgive ourselves, but we can take steps in that direction. With practice, we can develop mindfulness and maintain balance, giving ourselves more flexibility in how we respond in the future.
The best we can do now is to acknowledge the past, accept what happened, and commit to doing better in the future. When we’re stuck in regret and self-blame, we’re focusing on doing the right thing—but only in a timeframe we can’t change.
Focus on what you can do right now. This moment is the only one you can impact directly. How you act now determines your future happiness and wellbeing.
Self-hatred is toxic; it makes us miserable and weak. The right thing to do now is to bring mindfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and wisdom into this moment as much as possible. This makes you a better person—not in the past, but right now and in the future.
If you saw a dear friend struggling with past mistakes, would you tell them they were terrible or broken? Probably not. You’d likely suggest they stop being so hard on themselves, let go, and focus on their good qualities.
So why not offer the same kindness to yourself? Be your own friend. How we treat ourselves influences how we treat others. Difficulty in being kind to ourselves often translates to being unkind to others. Conversely, loving ourselves better helps us love others better. Taking care of yourself means taking care of others.
In Buddhist psychology, regret is seen as a skillful volition. It shows that we have ethical values and want to improve. Many people misunderstand regret, seeing it as a sign of failure or inherent badness, because regret is painful.
The key is to handle the pain of regret without causing more suffering. Understand that regret is a natural part of having values. Be mindful of and accept the pain, and be compassionate to the part of yourself that is suffering. Practice self-compassion.
These are some thoughts to help you let go of shame, regret, and self-blame. There is no magic solution, but you can make gradual progress. Focus more on the present moment and less on the past’s painfulness.
If you want to explore more about forgiveness and spiritual practices, there are resources available that can support you in this journey. Remember, it’s never too late to start making positive changes and learning from our experiences.
It’s never too late to start making progress, learning new things, and adopting Buddhism or any other positive change. It’s wonderful to see people making these strides at any age.