Just like we need a mirror to see our reflection, we often need other people to understand our behavior and attitudes. There’s a lot of evidence suggesting that others see us more clearly than we see ourselves. We might understand our feelings and thoughts better than anyone, but when it comes to traits like intelligence, attractiveness, creativity, and competence, other people usually have a clearer view of us.
Sometimes, even understanding our internal feelings can be tricky. As a teacher, I’ve heard people, often men, say things like, “I don’t think I’ve changed after meditating for a few weeks, but people around me say I’m easier to be with.” This shows that we tend to project our mental states onto others. For example, instead of seeing ourselves as impatient, we see others as too slow; instead of recognizing our distrust, we label others as untrustworthy; instead of acknowledging our unkindness, we think others need a harsh lesson. When we become more relaxed, we might not notice the change in ourselves but interpret it as others being more cooperative.
This tendency is quite common, especially when we’re starting to understand and work on ourselves. Even after decades of self-reflection, I find there are things about myself I hadn’t acknowledged until they were pointed out by others.
Recognizing our own faults can be challenging, particularly because we’ve spent a long time hiding them. For instance, I have habits of dishonesty that I wasn’t fully aware of. I often rationalize my actions and present them as more noble than they are, or I might say something incorrect and then backtrack by claiming I meant something else. Sometimes I speculate about things and then act more confident in my knowledge than I truly am. I might feel or think one way but present a different version to others.
I would not notice these tendencies if not for a friend with a keen sense for detecting inauthenticity. She finds dishonesty particularly distressing and holds those around her to high standards of authenticity. Although I find her a bit intimidating, I appreciate her pushing me toward greater honesty and authenticity. Being called out on my behaviors has been liberating, and I value our connection because it helps me like myself more when I act honestly.
Looking back, I see a pattern in my life. To recognize my unkindness, I need to be with someone who is kinder; to see my lack of clarity, I need someone more clear-headed; to understand my dishonesty, I need someone more honest. This work isn’t something I could accomplish alone. We all need others as mirrors to see ourselves more accurately. It’s intimidating to confront the aspects of ourselves that we least admire, but it’s essential and rewarding.
Interestingly, I often hear kind people think of themselves as horrible and unlovable. Sometimes people reflect my good qualities back to me, and I’m surprised. Like the cynic De la Rochefoucauld suggested, while we forget our faults when they are only known to us, we also forget our virtues when they are recognized solely by others. A true mirror reflects both the good and the bad impartially.
Recognizing and sharing our faults is tough, but it’s courageous and essential for self-growth. May we all strive to improve, even if perfection remains unattainable.