I recall a time shortly after I first learned to meditate. During a loving-kindness (metta bhavana) meditation practice, our instructor asked us to focus on our hearts to find and radiate love to all beings. But I couldn’t find any love in my heart. I worried, thinking, “Why is there no love in my heart? Is something wrong with me? Am I a horrible person?” This led me into a 20-minute spiral of despair and self-loathing—likely not what the meditation instructor intended.
A few weeks later, a friend described a similar experience, and I’ve since heard similar stories from others. The main issue lies in where we’re looking for love. We often seek a specific feeling in our bodies, especially in our hearts where love-related feelings usually arise. But instead of looking for love, we should be looking with love.
Loving-kindness practice aims to develop an attitude of kindness, which you can call “love” if you prefer. Kindness is about valuing others’ well-being, relating to them with respect, cherishing, and support. When we approach others with kindness, warm and pleasant feelings naturally arise. However, these feelings are not kindness itself; they’re physical sensations that help us appreciate kindness.
These feelings emerge because we’re relating with kindness. If we focus only on finding these feelings without first cultivating kindness, we’re putting the cart before the horse. We often find those pleasant feelings only if we’re already relating with kindness or are close to doing so.
Kindness and love, as used here, are active desires or volitions. We desire another’s well-being and want them to feel happy and at ease, so we treat them with kindness and respect. When practicing loving-kindness, it’s more effective to connect with the experience of looking with love or having kind eyes. We can do this by recalling what it feels like to look with love or kindness toward a child, pet, or partner.
When you recall such a memory, you’ll notice your eyes—and your mind—become filled with qualities of love like cherishing, warmth, and gentleness. When you turn this loving awareness toward yourself, you regard yourself with care and warmth. Direct this loving attention to another person, and those qualities flow toward them.
Practicing loving-kindness doesn’t require looking for love in the heart. Instead, start by recalling love-related feelings around your eyes. These feelings will likely follow your attention because it’s permeated with kindness. If these feelings don’t emerge or vanish when directed at yourself, gently ask what you can do right now to be kinder. Let your attitude soften, and you’ll naturally become kinder.
Ultimately, in loving-kindness practice, love is not something to look for; it’s something to look with.