The other day, someone shared a struggle about forgiving a colleague who frequently dismissed her great ideas out of habit. This reaction left her feeling deeply hurt, and she spent several days grappling with resentment while trying to cultivate forgiveness and loving-kindness, or “metta.” Eventually, she successfully forgave her colleague, proving that consistent practice works.
However, her journey back to peace took quite a while, highlighting a common gap in many people’s practice of loving-kindness. Often, we overlook the need to extend kindness and compassion to ourselves when we’re hurt. I’ve discussed this extensively in works like “Self-compassion: Lovingkindness Squared” and “The Power of Self-Kindness,” and also in my book, “This Difficult Thing of Being Human.”
When this colleague hurt my correspondent, it caused her emotional pain. Each time she felt resentful afterwards, it was another layer of pain. Trying to wish someone else well while neglecting our own pain often isn’t very effective. This isn’t to blame anyone—it’s a common oversight in practicing loving-kindness.
Resentment acts as a defense mechanism, a sort of protective barrier around our hearts. By recognizing our own pain and offering it love and reassurance, we protect our hearts in a much healthier way. Surrounding ourselves with love makes it easier to extend that love to the person who wronged us, facilitating quicker forgiveness—sometimes in minutes rather than days.
Ignoring our pain to focus on someone else isn’t compassionate to ourselves. It’s akin to walking past a distressed friend without acknowledging them, thereby adding to their pain. Our own hurt reacts the same way when neglected; it deepens and tries even harder to protect itself by building up resentment. The cycle continues until we genuinely extend kindness, change the dynamic, and our heart feels safe again.
Attempting to cultivate kindness towards another while being unkind to ourselves prolongs our emotional reactions. Over time, I’ve come to believe that we truly need to be kind to ourselves before we can effectively be kind to others.
So, how can we practically address our own pain before forgiving someone who hurt us? I’ve included links to a couple of articles where I delve into this topic further. Thanks for the reminder!
This realization has helped me see how carrying anger, shame, and embarrassment has hindered me for decades. I’m very grateful for this insight.
You’re welcome, Suzanne!
I’m glad this resonated with you. Let’s continue to promote kindness starting with self-love. Grateful <3