One of the most intriguing studies I’ve come across was conducted by James Pennebaker from the University of Texas and Shannon Wiltsey Stirman, who is now an associate professor of psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine. They explored why poets are particularly prone to taking their own lives. Pennebaker and Stirman investigated whether the writings of poets who had committed suicide contained linguistic clues that could have predicted their tragic outcomes.
To conduct their study, they matched poets who had and had not taken their own lives by age, era, nationality, educational background, and gender. Then, they analyzed the poets’ works using a computer program to detect patterns in their language. The findings were fascinating: poets who had committed suicide were much more self-referential than those who hadn’t. From the outset, the poets who eventually took their own lives frequently used words like “I,” “me,” and “my” more often than those who either died naturally or are still alive. This self-referential trend intensified over time, right up until their suicides.
On the other hand, poets who did not commit suicide used self-referential words less frequently. Instead, they often used words like “we,” “us,” and “ours,” which suggest a sense of connection. These poets increased their use of inclusive language as they aged.
We often hear that focusing on ourselves is the key to happiness, but, as the song by Harry Nilsson goes, “One is the loneliest number.” Forming connections and reducing our focus on ourselves is crucial for emotional resilience. It helps us navigate life’s challenges and enriches our lives with the experience of loving and being loved. Those who isolate and turn inward tend to suffer more, sometimes to an unbearable extent.
This brings us to the concept of self-compassion. The term might imply that focusing on ourselves could make us less happy. However, in self-compassion, one part of us shows compassion to the part that is suffering. This isn’t because the suffering is part of us, but because compassion is the appropriate response to pain. It doesn’t matter whether the suffering is within us or external to us; the compassionate side of us addresses suffering simply because suffering needs compassion.
In essence, there’s no such thing as “self-compassion”—there’s just compassion. When we cultivate compassion for our own suffering, we naturally become more compassionate towards others. This leads to a stronger sense of connection with others and, ultimately, greater happiness. With self-compassion, we don’t separate ourselves from others due to our suffering; instead, we recognize that we all suffer, thereby feeling more connected to one another.