In the tradition I practice, loving-kindness (metta bhavana) and mindfulness meditation hold equal importance. However, through my informal surveys, I found that about a third of long-term practitioners struggle with loving-kindness practice, rarely engage in it, or skip it altogether.
Many people face difficulties with the initial stage, which involves cultivating loving-kindness for oneself. They are often encouraged to look for feelings of kindness within themselves. If these feelings don’t appear, they might feel anxious or assume they’re flawed.
Sometimes, the entire practice feels challenging because feelings of love may not surface, leading people to believe they lack love, which can be quite demoralizing. This often results in a sense of failure and self-loathing—completely countering the purpose of the practice.
I’d like to offer some approaches to make loving-kindness meditation feel less like a failure and more accessible, effective, and rewarding.
I prefer to refer to “loving-kindness” practice simply as “kindness.” The term “loving-kindness” is not common in our daily language and may suggest that we’re trying to create something unusual. Saying “kindness” makes it clear we’re connecting with a familiar, everyday quality. Kindness, like metta, starts with recognizing that everyone is a feeling being who wants happiness and doesn’t want to suffer. Recognizing this, we aim to avoid actions that cause suffering and support others’ long-term happiness and well-being.
When you start meditating, incorporate kindness into how you position your body. Avoid sitting rigidly or forcing yourself into what you think is the “right” posture if it’s uncomfortable. Instead, find a posture that balances comfort and dignity. Let your muscles relax, especially as you exhale.
It’s also not beneficial to slouch or lie down unless you’re protecting an injury. Aim for a balance between uprightness and relaxation, embodying dignity and ease.
We all know how to look at others with loving eyes. Recall moments when you’ve looked with love at someone, whether a child, a lover, a friend, or even a pet. At the start of your practice, remember these experiences. Notice the quality of your feelings, especially around the eyes, and let that warmth persist as you turn your attention inward to your own body. Observe your breathing body with the same fondness. Don’t force anything; let it happen naturally.
Keep checking in with your eyes during the practice. If needed, recall the memory of looking with kindness.
Kindness is rooted in empathy, yet many don’t actively cultivate empathy when starting the practice. I recommend using phrases like “May I be well. May I be happy. May I be kind to myself and others.” These phrases remind you of the practice’s purpose and can trigger kindness, embedding these qualities into your experience.
Avoid overwhelming yourself with too many words. Say one phrase on an out-breath, then allow a full breath cycle before the next phrase. This gives you time to absorb what you’re saying.
Initially, I was taught that the aim was to develop “universal loving-kindness,” a goal that seemed lofty and unattainable. Instead, focus on “permeation,” as described in the early text, the Vimuttimagga. In this final stage, fill your awareness with kindness so that anyone you encounter, whether in the world or in your mind, is met with kindness. Recognize everyone as a feeling being who seeks happiness and needs support.
Greet those around you with kindness. If you hear cars or airplanes, extend kindness to those you indirectly perceive. Whether thinking of people far away or near, embrace them with kindness. This approach ensures you’re not overwhelmed by trying to wish well for everyone in the world, but still practice universal kindness within your capacity.
If you find “loving-kindness” meditation challenging, these practical tips can help make your practice smoother and more effective.