In the tradition I follow, both lovingkindness (metta bhavana) and mindfulness meditation are seen as equally important. However, my informal surveys indicate that about a third of long-term practitioners have essentially abandoned lovingkindness practice, either doing it very rarely or skipping it entirely.
People often struggle with the first stage of lovingkindness meditation, which involves cultivating kindness toward themselves. They are encouraged to seek feelings of kindness within, but if these feelings don’t emerge, they can become anxious or despondent, thinking they’re flawed somehow.
Many find the overall practice challenging. When feelings of love don’t appear, they might interpret it as an indication that they lack love in their hearts, which is naturally a depressing thought. This sense of failure can lead to self-loathing, precisely the opposite of what the practice intends to cultivate.
I’d like to offer some practical approaches to lovingkindness meditation that can alleviate this sense of failure and make the practice more approachable, effective, and enjoyable.
Rather than using the term “lovingkindness,” which might feel unfamiliar, I prefer to use “kindness.” “Lovingkindness” can suggest a need to create something unusual, whereas “kindness” is a familiar, everyday quality we all recognize. Kindness (metta) starts with the empathetic understanding that everyone wants to be happy and avoid suffering. We then act to help alleviate that suffering and support others’ happiness.
When starting your meditation, bring kindness into how you position your body. It’s not kind to sit rigidly or to force yourself into an uncomfortable posture. Find a sitting position that supports both kindness and relaxation, allowing your muscles to soften, especially as you exhale.
Simultaneously, avoid slumping or lying down (unless injury necessitates it). Aim for a balance of uprightness and relaxation, embodying both dignity and ease in your posture.
We all know how to look kindly at someone we love, whether it’s a child, a partner, a friend, or even a pet. At the beginning of a meditation session, recall these experiences and let those feelings linger, particularly around your eyes, as you turn your attention inward. Observe your own breathing and body with the same fondness you would have for a loved one or a sleeping child. There’s no need to force anything; just let it happen naturally.
Keep checking in on your eyes throughout the practice. If needed, recall again your memory of looking with kindness.
Kindness stems from empathy, but few people actively cultivate empathy at the beginning of their practice. Here’s a simple approach you can try:
Repeat this process for anyone else you think of during the practice.
The original phrases I learned for lovingkindness were, “May I be well. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering.” These often made me think the goal was to become happy, but the true aim is to become kinder. Now I use phrases like, “May I be well. May I be happy. May I be kind to myself and others.” This helps me focus on the practice’s purpose, with the word “kind” serving as a trigger to instill the experience of kindness within me.
It’s not kind to bombard yourself with words. Allow yourself time to process what you’re saying. Usually, I say one phrase on an out-breath, then take a full in-breath and out-breath before saying the next phrase. This pacing lets the words take root in you.
When I first learned metta bhavana, I was told the aim was to develop “universal lovingkindness.” While this goal seemed appealing, it also felt unattainably lofty. You don’t need to wish well for everyone in the world; that’s impossible.
In the final stage of the practice, I follow the guidance of an early text, the Vimuttimagga (path of liberation), focusing on “permeation.” I let my awareness be filled with kindness so that anyone I encounter, whether in my physical surroundings or in my thoughts, will be met with kindness. This universal kindness means anyone I meet or think of is recognized as a being who seeks happiness and needs support.
If there are people around me, I consciously meet them with kindness. This applies to anyone I’m aware of indirectly, through sounds like cars or airplanes. I even extend kindness to people I recall from other places. I embrace everyone I encounter with kindness, without overwhelming myself by trying to wish well for everyone globally.
If you struggle with lovingkindness meditation, try these practical tips to help make your practice smoother and more fulfilling.