In some versions of the loving-kindness (metta bhavana) meditation, we start by thinking about a benefactor—someone who has been kind to us. The idea is to remember what kindness feels like, so we can connect with it on a personal level. This helps us recall the experience of receiving kind looks, hearing kind words, and observing kind actions, making kindness more tangible for us and enabling us to be kinder.
This approach is essential because we all face challenges in cultivating kindness and compassion; we often need outside help to improve. Our genetic and cultural backgrounds can make developing compassion difficult. Even if we strive to be kind, there are times when we struggle or fail. Sometimes we don’t notice others’ suffering or respond suitably. We might even act in ways that cause pain to others because we have blind spots preventing us from realizing our unkind or harsh behavior.
Many of us don’t know how to act differently. For instance, I grew up in a household where kindness and compassion were rare. Instead, there was a lot of criticism and harshness, and suffering was often ignored. These behaviors were ingrained in my developing brain, just as they had been in my parents’ and grandparents’ minds. This kind of conditioning creates the blind spots I mentioned earlier.
People who grew up with genuine empathy and compassion have different neural patterns. They recognize what compassion looks, sounds, and feels like and know how to respond to suffering. We can’t figure out compassion on our own. While we can make some progress independently, our most significant breakthroughs usually come from observing others. This learning might come from books, courses, videos, or witnessing compassionate behavior in real life. Seeing compassion in action can be an “aha!” moment where we realize, “Oh, wow! It’s possible to act like that!” This helps us move beyond our limitations.
You might want to remember times when others have been compassionate toward you. This isn’t limited to meditation. Think about moments of forgiveness, understanding, or someone listening patiently to you. By recalling these memories repeatedly, you start to imprint these patterns in your neural pathways, reinforcing the belief, “Yes, I can act like that,” making it more likely you will act compassionately in the future.
Compassion spreads slowly from person to person, whether from parent to child, teacher to student, or friend to friend. This slow dissemination is why the world has generally become a better place over the centuries, despite some setbacks. Compassion has gradually imprinted itself on our minds.
It’s essential to remember that we are part of this process. We can demonstrate compassion in ways that inspire others to think, “Wow! It’s possible for someone to behave like that! Maybe I can do that too!”