Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, I was at the apartment of a newly divorced woman I had just started dating. While there, her ex-husband unexpectedly showed up. It was an awkward situation, especially since she had just stepped out and wouldn’t be back for a few minutes. Trying to be polite, I offered him a cup of coffee, which he accepted. In an attempt to ease the tension, I hoped the small gesture would help.
He asked for some sugar, but I didn’t know where it was kept. After a bit of searching, I found a sugar bowl and put two heaping spoonfuls into his mug. He took a sip and then grimaced in disgust. It turns out I had mistakenly given him salt instead of sugar. I was mortified and worried he’d think I did it on purpose.
This little mix-up has a broader lesson: mistakes can lead to unpleasant outcomes. This is particularly true with spiritual practices. The Buddha compared misunderstanding his teachings to grabbing a snake by the wrong end. If you need to handle a snake, you’d want to grab it right behind the head, not by the tail where it could bite you.
So, what types of mistakes do people make with spiritual teachings? Here are a few examples:
First, non-attachment is often misunderstood. It’s about being aware of your own clinging desires and letting go, like choosing to listen to someone else instead of talking about yourself. Non-attachment isn’t about not caring; it’s about seeing and letting go of emotional avoidance strategies so you can care more genuinely.
Next, people often mistake patience for passivity. Staying with an unsupportive partner or a friend who dominates conversations isn’t patience. Sometimes, being more demanding can be kinder for both you and the other person.
Additionally, many people are compassionate toward others but harsh on themselves. Buddhist teachings say true compassion for others starts with being kind to yourself. I used to think this was wrong, but over time I realized that my supposed kindness was often about wanting to be liked or feel good about myself. Genuine empathy for yourself naturally extends to others.
Lastly, there’s the concept of karma. It’s meant as a personal practice, to reflect on how your actions cause either happiness or suffering. Misusing karma to judge others and validate their suffering is incorrect. Instead, it should promote a more compassionate reaction to others’ suffering and self-reflection.
These are just a few examples of how spiritual teachings can be misunderstood, causing harm instead of healing. It’s crucial to understand these concepts correctly, just like making sure you put sugar, not salt, in your coffee.