It’s easy to think that focusing more on our own problems will make us happier. However, a study of poets showed that those who frequently used words like “I,” “me,” “my,” and “mine” were much more likely to commit suicide compared to those who used words like “we,” “us,” “our,” and “ours.”
In fact, poets who eventually took their own lives increasingly used self-referential words as their deaths approached. On the other hand, poets who lived longer lives tended to use inclusive language more over time.
This ties into the issue of rumination, where our own thoughts worsen our suffering. Thoughts filled with “I,” “me,” “my,” and “mine” are often linked to feelings of distress: “I’m worried about this,” “I don’t like that,” or “No one cares about me.”
These “I” thoughts can make us feel isolated, as if we’re broken and different from others. In contrast, thoughts that include “we” connect us with others, emphasizing our shared human experience. Our sufferings then become a part of common human struggles, not signs of personal failure. This sense of shared suffering can connect us with others instead of making us feel alone.
Cultivating compassion is a way to shift from “I-thinking” to “we-thinking.” Research shows that compassionately addressing others’ sufferings brings many benefits, such as increased happiness, better health, more self-confidence, reduced self-criticism, and greater emotional resilience.
It might seem counterintuitive that focusing on others’ sufferings can make us happier and healthier. But we often forget that we are inherently social beings who feel more fulfilled when we connect with others. Helping others gives us a sense of meaning and purpose.
Compassion is essentially kindness in the face of suffering. In compassion meditation, we first connect kindly with ourselves and then extend that kindness to others. This practice helps us consider not only our own well-being but also that of others. It reduces self-focused rumination, decreases anxiety, and increases happiness.