When Compassion Falls Short: The Grief We Feel (Day 28)

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When Compassion Falls Short: The Grief We Feel (Day 28)

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When Compassion Falls Short: The Grief We Feel (Day 28)

I’ve had several inquiries about the “near enemy” of compassion, so let’s dive into that.

A “near enemy” is something that can easily be confused with compassion, resembling it closely but differing significantly, much like mistaking a weed for a useful plant. On the other hand, the “far enemy” of compassion is much more obvious; it’s cruelty or indifference to suffering—the clear opposites of compassion. Identifying the near enemy is more subtle.

Traditionally, people use the word “pity” to describe the near enemy of compassion, but older commentaries use the word “grief.” Compassion fails when it turns into sorrow, aligning with the concepts of grief and sorrow as synonyms. I’ll discuss three key aspects that I think can serve as near enemies to compassion.

But first, a quick reminder:
– Metta (lovingkindness) is the desire for good and welfare for oneself and others.
– Compassion is the desire to relieve suffering, particularly others’ suffering.

1. Your suffering makes me feel bad!
Grief here represents a sense of loss. We might cling to our normal state of mind, and witnessing someone’s suffering disrupts that, causing us to feel unpleasant. We then suffer ourselves and might want the other person’s suffering to end—not from genuine compassion but to restore our own comfort. This selfish desire masquerades as compassion but lacks true empathy and recognition of the other’s suffering.

To genuinely empathize with others, we must first recognize and connect with our own suffering. Before diving into compassion meditation, acknowledge your own challenges. It’s also normal to feel heartache when considering another person’s suffering. This response is natural but can be uncomfortable. Without learning to manage this discomfort, the heartache may lead us to focus excessively on our own distress instead of genuinely empathizing with others.

2. Stop the world, I want to get off!
Attachment can also hinder compassion when we feel despondent, which is failed compassion turning into sorrow. When faced with someone’s suffering, like a friend with terminal cancer, we may feel helpless and overwhelmed because we can’t make things right. This attachment to fixing things causes more sorrow.

Despondency can expand when we extend our sorrow to all the suffering in the world, realizing we can’t help everyone. Compassion isn’t about saving the world; it’s about doing what we can without being attached to the outcome. Understanding the difference is crucial, echoing the idea of accepting what we can’t change, courageously changing what we can, and having the wisdom to know the difference.

The Buddha spoke about the “two arrows” of suffering. The first arrow is the pain of recognizing someone’s suffering. The second arrow is our reaction to that pain, such as sorrow and lamentation. Learning to bear the first arrow mindfully without inflicting the second upon ourselves is essential. Over time, we can become better at managing our reactions to suffering, allowing it to exist without letting it multiply.

3. Poor you!
Superiority can also be a near enemy, where we feel pity and think we’re better than those who are suffering. This creates a hidden grief, as we might feel good about ourselves until those we’re trying to help point out our arrogance. Recognizing our own vulnerabilities helps us remain grounded, reminding us that we’re no more “sorted” than anyone else.

Doubt can also sneak in, making us question whether our compassion is genuine. If we feel despair, it might indicate we’ve slipped into true grief or sorrow rather than compassion. However, if we just feel an ache in our heart, that’s likely the manageable first arrow of suffering.

In summary, these complex patterns are part of the journey, and recognizing them early can help us navigate compassion more effectively. Understanding the near enemies allows us to foster a more authentic and empathetic practice of genuine compassion.