Being human, and indeed a primate, involves having something psychologists call “theory of mind.” This is our ability to understand and attribute mental states—like beliefs, intentions, desires, plans, knowledge, and thoughts—to others. For instance, when you have to break bad news to someone, you anticipate they may get upset, and you adjust how you deliver the news accordingly. Or, when you explain something, you might predict the questions the other person might ask. That’s you using your theory of mind.
This skill is so ingrained in our lives that we often don’t think about it, which can lead to problems. First, our assumptions about what others are thinking can sometimes be wrong. Second, these incorrect assumptions can cause us unnecessary stress.
Take my hair, for example. It’s been thinning for years. I used to believe people judged me negatively because of this. I imagined them thinking my receding hairline made me look unattractive or foolish. But then, I questioned this assumption. When I saw men who were balder than I am, I didn’t judge them harshly. In fact, I often thought they looked perfectly normal. Sometimes, a completely bald head seems striking, impressive, and even cool. By challenging my assumption, I corrected my faulty theory of mind.
Worries about our appearance are common. We stress over our noses, chins, ears, skin texture, weight, and more. We often assume others are judging us negatively. While it’s true that some people are judgmental, we tend to think people judge us more harshly than they do, leading to our own suffering.
Having a theory of mind is a crucial skill that develops as we grow. The trouble starts when we don’t verify our assumptions, especially the negative ones. Psychologists call this tendency to make unchecked assumptions about others’ thoughts “mind-reading.”
Often, we walk around convinced we know what others think, feel, and believe—practically as if we had mind-reading abilities. For example, I’ve avoided asking for help because I assumed the answer would be no. Or I’ve doubted the sincerity of someone’s friendliness, thinking they didn’t actually like me. Worse, I’ve wrongly concluded that people find me boring, all without any evidence. This mind-reading can amplify our anxiety because we’re social creatures who seek acceptance. Feeling judged or rejected—or even just assuming we are—can lead to anxiety and depression.
To combat mind-reading, the Korean Zen teacher Seung Sahn suggested embracing a “don’t-know mind.” He encouraged dropping opinions and assumptions, embracing the unknown. This practice can lead to deep spiritual awakening, but on a basic level, it means recognizing when we’re jumping to conclusions.
Start paying attention to your thoughts. Notice when you’re attributing thoughts and judgments to others. Understand that this isn’t knowledge; it’s just your own fear that you’re projecting. Ask yourself, “Can I be absolutely certain about what this person is thinking?” This question puts you in a “don’t-know mind,” allowing you to either let go of your assumptions or check in with them directly to find out the truth.
Letting go of mind-reading can make you less anxious and more grounded. I’ve been guilty of mind-reading for years, and unless you’re 100% accurate, it can cause needless problems. Even with people I know well, my assumptions are only right about 70-80% of the time.
So, drop the mind-reading habit and save yourself from unnecessary stress.