When we clash with or feel ill will towards someone, it’s clear that something about them makes us uncomfortable. However, what’s less obvious is that our own feelings are at the core of this discomfort. When we have negative thoughts about someone, we are reacting not directly to them, but to our own inner pain.
Our ill will towards another person actually stems from our inability to handle our own uncomfortable feelings. The purpose of hatred is to push away what we believe is the source of our problem: the other person. We think that by being unpleasant to them, they’ll go away and leave us alone. This approach doesn’t work, especially when we have social ties that bind us to them. Ill will doesn’t solve the real issue, which is our inability to accept the parts of ourselves that are in pain. In fact, ill will is painful in itself. If we examine our experience when we feel hate, we’ll notice it’s a tight, conflicted, and unpleasant state. Acting on ill will only results in more conflicts that can come back to haunt us. Ill will is like a toxic medicine that worsens the disease.
Until we learn to skillfully manage our own pain, we’ll continue to have aversions to it and to others. However, if we learn to accept our uncomfortable feelings, we won’t need hatred anymore.
When practicing compassion meditation, there’s a step that involves thinking about someone we have conflicts with or dislike. As you bring this person to mind, check your body’s response to them. You might notice physical discomfort around your heart or solar plexus. This feeling is what we try to push away, but it’s exactly what we need to accept and address with compassion.
Acknowledge the discomfort and accept that it’s okay to feel it. You can even tell yourself, “It’s OK to feel this.” By doing this, you might find that you can bear the discomfort without harboring ill will. If critical or hateful thoughts arise, refocus on your body and the painful feelings. Keep reassuring yourself that it’s okay to have these feelings and respond to them with compassion.
Once you’ve done this, even if it takes just a few seconds, you might find it easier to think about the person you find challenging in a more compassionate way. You may be able to address any issues with them with less animosity and more empathy, considering both your feelings and theirs.
Happiness is something we can control by being mindful of what causes our unhappiness.