Last night, while chatting with a friend, she brought up the importance of being mindful about our boundaries and not always saying “yes” to every request for help. This stuck with me because I’m currently writing a book on self-compassion and realized I hadn’t included anything about boundaries. So, I’m starting by writing this article.
One reason I might have overlooked this topic is my own bias. This often affects women more than men because society expects women to be helpers and pleasers. Many women struggle with saying no because they don’t want to disappoint others. The word “agreeable” even suggests that being likable means agreeing with everyone. Women are often taught that it’s “selfish” to put their needs first, something that has also affected me.
Setting boundaries is still a work in progress for me. I sometimes take on too much because I don’t plan well. This lack of planning is essentially neglecting my own needs. I get excited about new opportunities and don’t always think about how much I already have on my plate, which often leads to overcommitment. Sometimes, unforeseen tasks take longer than expected—life happens.
Yet, I do make a conscious effort not to overschedule myself and often say no to requests. Here are some things I’ve found helpful.
Protecting our time and energy is part of practicing self-compassion. The first step is to be mindful of our habits when responding to requests. Do you have a desire to please others? Are you worried about what they’ll think if you say no? Are you afraid of hurting their feelings? Or do you, like me, get excited about new opportunities and fear missing out? Mindfulness allows us to pause and think about whether acting on these desires and fears is wise.
The fears can be strong, especially if we’re used to valuing others’ opinions over our own well-being. It’s essential to ask ourselves why other people’s approval matters so much to us.
Often, we seek approval from others because we don’t give it to ourselves. Years ago, I realized I was overextending myself for external validation. So, I adopted the slogan, “I am my own source of validation.” This reminded me to appreciate myself for who I am, not just for what I do. Even taking a moment to celebrate small achievements, like writing 2,000 words in a day, greatly boosted my self-esteem. I became less dependent on others’ approval and more cautious about overcommitting.
Not only did this reduce my stress, but it also helped me better manage my tasks. When I took on too much, I often ended up doing a poor job, which disappointed the very people I wanted to please.
If we care about what others think, it’s better to be respected for our integrity than for always saying yes. People often find it inspiring to see others practice self-compassion. Saying no can be a courageous act that shows we care about ourselves. Ultimately, what people think of us is up to them. Our happiness shouldn’t depend on everyone liking us.
When we say no, we should do so kindly and mindfully, aware of others’ feelings but not responsible for them. It’s important to avoid saying no in a hurtful or condescending way.
You might try not apologizing. You’re not obligated to help everyone. It’s nice to do favors, but not always possible. If you can’t help, you’re not doing anything wrong and have nothing to apologize for.
When declining an invitation, express gratitude for the opportunity. Thank them for their confidence in you. Say you’re honored and would love to help when circumstances change. It’s not about apologizing but about expressing genuine appreciation. A well-delivered “no” can feel like gratitude.
In conclusion, rejecting someone’s request can sometimes make us hesitant to seek help ourselves, fearing we’d burden them. But asking for help is also a form of giving others the opportunity to feel good by being helpful. Balance in giving and receiving is crucial, and understanding our own needs helps us maintain healthy relationships.
Finding clarity in our purpose can simplify saying no. Properly evaluating why we say yes can prevent us from overcommitting and ultimately lead to more respectful relationships. Remember, it’s often about reminding ourselves that our needs matter.