A common worry about self-compassion is that it might make us lazy and self-indulgent. People think if we become more kind to ourselves, we could lose our drive to succeed. Self-indulgence means avoiding challenges, which might feel good in the short run but causes harm in the long run. It’s like taking the easy way out. So, some might assume that being kind to ourselves when faced with a tough situation means avoiding it. However, that’s actually not what happens.
Self-compassion involves giving yourself support, understanding, and encouragement during tough times. It helps you face your challenges head-on. It recognizes that your long-term happiness doesn’t come from avoiding difficulties but from supporting yourself as you navigate through them. Essentially, self-compassion gives you courage.
Imagine you had to give a presentation, and it didn’t go as planned. If you respond without self-compassion, you might think, “I’m such an idiot! I always mess things up. I made a fool of myself. I was stupid even to try!” This mindset makes you more nervous for future presentations, making it harder to perform well. Or you might try to avoid giving presentations altogether, which is self-indulgent and a way to protect yourself from discomfort.
A self-compassionate response might be to take a deep breath, acknowledge the pain, and say, “I know this hurts, but I’m here for you.” You might remind yourself that nobody is perfect and that learning to give presentations takes time. It’s natural to not get it right every time. Plus, you might think about ways to prepare better for the next time. Asking a colleague for feedback on your presentation might also be helpful since our failures often seem bigger in our minds than they really are. Specific feedback can help you improve future presentations.
Without self-compassion, it’s hard to take these helpful steps. When we’re too hard on ourselves, thinking about our failures just gives us another reason to beat ourselves up. We tend to want to forget our failures rather than learn from them. Ironically, when we lack self-compassion, we often can’t forget our failures. They keep popping up in our minds, causing recurring feelings of shame and humiliation.
Self-compassion builds emotional resilience, allowing us to bounce back from failures. It gives us the bravery to get up and try again. It helps us face painful feelings like fear, frustration, and shame, and to continue pushing through difficulties. Self-compassion is not about being indulgent. In fact, self-compassion and self-indulgence are opposites.
It’s ultimately about being gentle with yourself and accepting that it’s okay to not always meet expectations. It’s okay to make mistakes. Life will still guide you to where you need to go.