I’ve seen many people struggle because they can’t forgive themselves. Maybe they hurt someone, let someone get hurt, missed an opportunity, or made a bad decision. This often leads to self-torture.
People can cling to these regrets and the pain they cause for years or even decades, finding it extremely hard to let go. Regret is like a wound that never heals, slowly poisoning us from within, and can eventually turn into self-hatred, making us believe we are fundamentally bad or unworthy.
Instant self-forgiveness isn’t possible; it’s a process that can take years. However, here are a few suggestions to help with this important practice.
First, acknowledge that the past is unchangeable. Despite knowing this, we often replay events in our minds, wishing for a different outcome.
I once told someone suffering from regrets, “You did the best you could.” She disagreed, thinking that with more mindfulness or compassion, things would have turned out differently. I asked her if she had more mindfulness or compassion at that moment. She admitted she did not. “So you did what you could with the resources you had available to you,” I said.
That’s all anyone can do.
This idea is counter-intuitive for many because we believe we could have acted differently under different circumstances. While it’s true that a different version of us might have made different choices, we weren’t that person then. So, obsessing over an alternate past is pointless and only adds to our pain.
We talk about free will and the ability to choose, but our choices are often limited by our circumstances, especially under stress or panic. In those moments, our options are constrained to pre-programmed responses like defense, aggression, retreat, or paralysis.
While complete self-forgiveness might not be achievable right now, we can take steps in that direction. With practice, we can improve our mindfulness and balance, increasing our behavioral options. Practice happens in the present and affects our future actions, not our past.
The best thing we can do now is to accept what happened and resolve to do better in the future. When caught up in regret and self-blame, we focus on wanting to correct the past, which is beyond our control.
So, focus on the present moment—this is the only time you can influence. How you handle this moment shapes your future happiness and well-being.
Self-hatred is toxic; it makes us miserable and weakens us. The right thing to do now is to practice mindfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and wisdom. Let these qualities show as best as you can in this moment. This will make you a better person now and in the future.
If a friend were tormenting themselves over past actions, would you call them terrible because of their mistakes? Probably not. You’d likely advise them to be kind to themselves, suggesting that they not define themselves by their mistakes and see their good qualities.
So, why not give yourself the same advice? Be a friend to yourself.
How we treat ourselves often reflects how we treat others. If we can’t be empathetic and kind to ourselves, we likely won’t be empathetic and kind to others. Conversely, if we want to love others better, we need to start by loving ourselves better.
In Buddhist psychology, regret is a skillful volition—it’s positive. Regret means you recognize an ethical slip and want to be a better person. Understanding this can help prevent regret from turning into self-punishment.
Regret is a natural part of having ethical values, though it is painful. Rather than seeing pain as a sign of failure, we can embrace it and be compassionate to ourselves. Practicing self-compassion helps us handle the pain of regret in a healthy way.
Remember, there’s no quick fix. Progress in self-forgiveness happens gradually as you gain insights and learn to focus on the present moment.
By taking care of yourself, you also take care of others.