The weekend my wife told me she wanted a divorce, she took our kids to stay with a friend for a few days. They were only four and six years old and had been at school all day, so I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. My wife didn’t think it was a big deal, but it really hit me hard and left me alone in an empty house for the weekend. Like many people, my first reaction was to turn to comfort food and wine.
I guess biology tells us we crave high-calorie foods during tough times to prepare for challenges ahead. But while fatty, salty foods like burgers and fries might bring short-term comfort, they often leave us feeling bloated and sluggish. Despite my cravings, I chose to make a Thai curry with fresh vegetables, thinking it would be healthier and more satisfying in the long run. I also avoided drinking because I knew it would only make me feel worse. Instead, I reached out to friends for support, went for a walk, and meditated.
None of these actions made my emotional pain disappear, but they kept me from doing anything that would harm my long-term wellbeing. In fact, exercising and connecting with friends were steps toward building resilience for the future.
The Buddha taught about the “two arrows,” explaining how our mind’s resistance to pain causes additional suffering. The first arrow is the initial pain, and the second arrow is the pain from our reactions. There’s also a third arrow: when we seek pleasure to escape our pain but end up feeling worse. Activities like emotional eating or binge-watching TV may temporarily distract us but often leave us with an emotional hangover.
The alternative is wise self-care, which involves actions that promote long-term happiness and help us cope better with our pain. Wise self-care means accepting our feelings and aiming for long-term wellbeing rather than short-term pleasure. It’s about mature, conscious choices that lead to growth and reduce suffering.
Practicing wise self-care isn’t limited to crisis situations. It can be as simple as decluttering your house, creating a budget, getting enough sleep, or taking regular walks. Self-care also includes regular medical checkups, taking time off when sick, meditating, or reading. These actions nourish us and give us the energy to help others. In the end, taking care of ourselves enables us to better support those around us.