Lately, I’ve started to realize that trying to view yourself as a “good” person isn’t very helpful. It might sound strange because we usually think being good is a positive thing, but let me explain why this can be problematic.
When you consider yourself a good person, what happens if someone points out that you did something wrong, like lying or being inconsiderate? Since it’s crucial for you to maintain your self-image as a good person, you might get defensive. You could even end up attacking or undermining the other person to protect your self-view.
I’ve noticed this behavior in myself. When my partner mentioned that something I said was slightly untrue, I would deny it. I’d twist my words to make them seem true, or claim I meant something else. By desperately holding on to the belief that I am a good person, I actually moved further away from genuinely being one.
A friend of mine had trouble with her boss, who would overrule her expertise without explanation, simply saying, “It’s what I’ve decided.” This was very undermining, and when my friend challenged her, the boss would evade or shift the blame. The boss wanted to prove she hadn’t done anything wrong, likely convincing herself in the process. By trying to hold on to her status as a good person, the boss ended up not acting like one.
Many people think of themselves as good, even while doing harmful things. They downplay the impact of their actions, saying it wasn’t a big deal. They might even deny causing harm, even in extreme cases like theft or violence. They might justify it by thinking the other person deserved it or wanted it. The belief that they are inherently good can enable them to continue harmful behavior, thinking, “I’m a good person, so what I do can’t be that bad.”
The solution isn’t to label yourself as a bad person either—that’s not helpful. Instead, avoid thinking of yourself as any kind of person at all. This concept aligns with what the Buddha taught: any fixed belief about ourselves becomes a source of suffering. When these fixed beliefs are challenged, we get defensive because we’re clinging to a sense of stability and security.
Not labeling yourself as good or bad doesn’t leave you ethically directionless. In fact, it frees you. You can view yourself as a work in progress. If you have a clear idea of the qualities you want to embody and commit to that, it becomes your focus. You’re aiming to let go of harmful tendencies and develop qualities that benefit yourself and others. The key isn’t reaching a final destination but having a goal to work toward.
So instead of trying to be a good person, aim to do good things. Focus on your actions rather than defining who you are. This shift might seem minor but is significant. You’re seeing yourself as dynamic, always changing, and responsible for your ethical path.
I’ve found it liberating to examine myself closely and realize I’d been clinging to this idea of being a good person. This isn’t helpful. In truth, I’m not good or bad. I’m evolving, and that’s a freeing thought to hold.
Don’t concentrate on who you are; focus on what you do. This change in perspective is meaningful and thought-provoking.