My sister Fiona passed away unexpectedly last month. Although she had been undergoing cancer treatment for several years, every time the cancer resurfaced, the doctors managed to push it back with surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy. This time, however, the cancer appeared in her brain, which distressed her greatly. She didn’t like the idea of losing her hair again and having to give up driving, but she never thought she was at risk of dying soon.
She had completed whole-brain radiotherapy and just started home-based chemotherapy when, sadly, it wasn’t cancer that took her life. The numerous medications she was on, particularly steroids, strained her system excessively, leading to a heart attack. Both she and her doctors believed she had at least a year or two left. She was only 58 and aware that she might not reach 60. Fiona passed away peacefully at home, with her partner by her side, which was a small comfort.
The end of a life is a strange and profound event. All the unique experiences, memories, thoughts, and feelings of that person are gone. Those of us left behind are left holding our end of the relationship with nowhere to direct our love. This is perhaps why many believe in an afterlife, just as Fiona did after losing her youngest child. While I don’t share that belief, I have found certain practices to be helpful in dealing with death.
Buddhism teaches us to reflect on the impermanence of life and the inevitability of death. It encourages us to recognize that everyone will fall ill and die, that we will eventually be separated from everything we hold dear, and that this is true for others as well. While this might sound depressing, it’s intended to enhance life by reminding us of what truly matters.
One useful approach is to consider whether a current frustration will matter when we’re on our deathbed. For instance, the annoyance of a slow driver or a spouse leaving hair in the sink becomes trivial in the grand scheme of things. What’s important is to allow ourselves to be happy, to experience love, and to do things that are personally meaningful. The goal is to look back and say, “That was a life well lived.”
This practice also helps us come to terms with the inevitability of death, making it less shocking when it happens. Although we all know life ends, we often live in denial of this fact. Reflecting on life’s impermanence helps us stay grounded in reality.
Grief is painful, and our response to it can either prolong our suffering or help us find peace. When we judge ourselves for feeling emotional pain or try to push it away, we only make things worse. Accepting our grief and meeting it with self-compassion can lessen its impact. Recognizing that feelings are temporary and will pass, just as other strong feelings have passed before, can be a comforting reminder.
When we practice self-compassion, we naturally become more empathetic towards others. Offering support to someone who is grieving doesn’t mean trying to fix their pain with platitudes. Rather, it involves simply being present and offering genuine empathy. Sharing fond memories can also be a source of comfort.
Shifting our focus to others allows us to connect joyfully with people, even at difficult times like funerals. Celebrating the life of the deceased by reminiscing about happy times and their positive qualities can be healing.
Sometimes, in our grief, we mourn the future we imagined with the person we lost. It’s helpful to remember that the future is just a concept—it never really existed. Accepting the present reality can reduce additional grief that stems from those lost possibilities.
Lastly, I’m grateful for my last conversation with Fiona. Though she preferred to keep her health issues private, we had a warm phone call a couple of weeks before her passing. Knowing there was no unresolved tension between us is a comforting memory. Life is short and unpredictable, so it’s important to make peace when we can, as tomorrow might be too late.
Thank you for reading and sharing your own experiences of loss and healing. Reminding ourselves that life is now and embracing moments of joy, even alongside grief, is crucial for moving forward.