Recently, while taking a shower, I had a string of insights. I was absent-mindedly thinking about a financial issue—my bank had mistakenly transferred my money into someone else’s account. Eventually, I realized my thoughts were spiraling unhelpfully. I remembered a Buddhist concept about the “four worldly winds,” particularly gain and loss. We often think that acquiring and having things is very important, leading us to believe that losing those things is equally significant.
However, as long as we’re not starving, loss shouldn’t deeply affect us emotionally. I expect to get my money back, albeit slowly. Financial issues are practical and don’t need to disturb my peace of mind. The other worldly winds include status, approval, and pleasure versus pain—all things we erroneously think bring happiness. But Buddha didn’t see it this way.
It’s like living in a self-created virtual reality, similar to “The Matrix.” We convince ourselves these things matter. Then I had an epiphany: Love is the only thing that truly matters in my life. It shouldn’t be just an abstract concept; love needs to be my core principle. The worldly winds deceive us into thinking they’re important, but they aren’t.
But loving isn’t always easy. Despite realizing how crucial love is, I often act poorly. Our genetic wiring can make us behave badly, driven by concerns about loss, status, and more. Strong emotions triggered by these perceptions can cause us to treat others poorly. Even though we believe love is paramount, we often prioritize status, like in petty arguments where being right seems more important than being loving.
I had another thought to add:
1. The only important thing is to love.
2. And to remember to love.
But even this isn’t enough. Feeling love isn’t the same as showing it. In my marriage, I might feel and express my love, but it’s not sufficient if my actions don’t make my partner feel loved. We need to learn how to demonstrate love, understand what others need to be happy, and help relieve their suffering. This usually involves empathy and good listening.
Now I had three principles:
1. The only important thing is to love.
2. And to remember to love.
3. And to keep learning how to show love.
As I continued to shower, I realized I needed one more principle: “Am I being loving right now?” At that moment, I wasn’t. I was washing mechanically, distracted by thoughts. So, I chose to wash myself with love and experienced joy in the simple act of showering.
Now I had four principles:
1. The only important thing is to love.
2. And to remember to love.
3. And to keep learning how to show love.
4. Am I showing love right now?
I believe the fourth principle is key. It encapsulates the others. It’s the question I need to keep asking myself. These four mantras will stay with me. I’ll keep reminding myself of them over and over again because they’re essential.
Someone might argue, “Who exactly is the ‘I’ that knows or shows love?” If ‘I’ is just an imagined ego, trying to become more loving might only strengthen that illusion. Many struggle with this: trying to remember to love but getting angry or frustrated, creating a cycle that feels unchangeable.
Mindfulness, for instance, involves striving to reach a state where constant effort is no longer necessary—like reaching a place to rest and enjoy a view. At some point, mindfulness becomes automatic and self-sustaining, requiring less conscious effort.
For those dealing with constant pain and finding meditation challenging, focusing intently on the pain or exploring different postures might help. Meditating lying down or in a reclining position might be necessary.
Ultimately, it’s essential to remember that both improving our mental habits (samatha) and directly confronting our delusions (vipassana) are integral to Buddhist practice. True awakening occurs spontaneously when we overcome reactive tendencies and cultivate skillful qualities.
So, while mindfulness and love require effort, they become more ingrained over time, helping us navigate and mitigate our concerns about loss, status, and other pressures. By anchoring ourselves in love and mindfulness, we can maintain and deepen our sense of well-being.