Self-compassion is so transformative for me after over 30 years of studying Buddhism. It’s been a vital tool in handling various challenges, from everyday annoyances like a child’s tantrum to financial issues and serious health problems. This practice has not only made me kinder to myself but also more compassionate towards others. No other practice has changed me this much. To me, self-compassion feels like “lovingkindness squared.”
At its heart, self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would extend to someone you care about, especially when you’re in pain. It’s not about giving compassion to yourself as a whole but to the parts of you that are hurting.
Here are five key steps to practice self-compassion:
1. Recognizing How Our Minds Create Stories: Our minds often create narratives around our suffering, blaming others or ourselves, imagining doom, or seeking ways to numb the pain. These stories amplify our suffering, and it’s essential to notice them and let them go.
2. Understanding the Buddha’s “Second Arrow” Analogy: The Buddha compared these painful stories to a second arrow that we inflict on ourselves. The first arrow is the inevitable pain we experience, like a toothache or loss. The second arrow is our reaction—the thoughts and emotions that create additional suffering.
3. Being Mindful of Our Suffering: Recognize when you’re in pain, even if it’s something small like frustration or loneliness. Often, we ignore our own pain due to habits or feelings of weakness. Acknowledging this suffering is crucial for practicing self-compassion.
4. Locating Pain in the Body: When something hurts emotionally, we often feel it physically, like a knot in the stomach or tightness in the chest. Understanding where pain manifests in your body can help you respond to it mindfully.
5. Responding to Pain With Acceptance: Instead of trying to escape pain, accept it. Take a mindful approach by observing the pain’s location, size, and how it changes. This reduces the second arrow of intensified suffering.
Instead of avoiding pain through distractions like food or TV, turn towards it and address it with acceptance. Think of pain as a distressed friend whom you would comfort with kindness and compassion. Sometimes, it helps to tell yourself, “It’s okay to feel this.”
Creating a pause, or “the gap,” helps us choose compassion over our usual reactions. When pain arises, treat it with gentleness, as you would a suffering friend. Speak to your pain kindly, offering words of comfort and reassurance. Remember, your pain isn’t the enemy; it’s a part of you that needs support.
Wish your pain well and speak to it lovingly. You might say things like, “I know you’re in pain, but I’m here for you,” or “I love you, and I want you to be happy.” Sometimes, placing a compassionate hand on the area where you feel pain can help.
As you practice recognizing and accepting your pain, and responding with compassion, you’ll find it easier to handle situations that cause pain. There are no strict rules for how to react; it depends on the context and your communication skills. With mindfulness and compassion, you’ll discover creative ways to respond, often extending the same empathy to others.
These steps can be applied quickly. For instance, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you might start getting angry, but then you remember to drop the story, acknowledge the fear or tension in your body, and send compassionate thoughts. This can take just a few seconds and can shift your reaction from anger to compassion towards yourself and the other driver.
Similarly, when stressed by everyday tasks like cooking and dealing with children’s demands, noticing the tension and responding with compassion can defuse the urge to react negatively. Self-compassion works like a multi-tool for various emotional states, including sadness, depression, and anxiety.
It’s never too late to practice self-compassion. Even if you start reacting to a situation, you can still find that sacred pause to respond compassionately. Understanding and treating our own pain with compassion naturally leads us to be more compassionate towards others. It’s truly lovingkindness squared.