One major reason people act cruelly or unkindly is because they feel resentment. Resentment happens when we can’t let go of past hurts and keep blaming others. When we keep thinking about how someone hurt us, betrayed us, or let us down, we relive that pain over and over again. Each time this pain resurfaces, it fuels our anger and ill will.
It’s important to clarify a common misconception about emotions. Many people think that we store old emotions in our subconscious mind, which pop up from time to time. This idea, which dates back to Freud, is not accurate. Both Buddhist teachings and modern psychology tell us that we recreate the feeling of hurt anew each time a triggering memory surfaces. So, every time you feel hurt, it’s a fresh experience. Each instance of anger or self-hatred is a new emotion.
Resentment is something we often fall into naturally, similar to other animals. For example, crows can hold grudges against researchers who have captured and banded them. They show their resentment through calls and aggressive behavior, and this attitude can spread through their entire community.
This highlights that resentment is a part of our genetic makeup, not something we choose. Blaming ourselves for feeling resentment is pointless and only adds to our pain. From crows, we can also see that resentment involves both punishment and protection. We want to punish those who hurt us and deter them from doing it again.
However, while resentment might make others feel bad, it often hurts us more. It’s like the saying in AA that holding onto resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. An older Buddhist saying compares it to picking up feces to throw at someone else; you might make them smell bad, but you’re the one who gets dirty.
These reflections are helpful because they make resentment seem less appealing. When we find ourselves stuck in resentment, remembering these consequences can help diminish the emotion.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, is about letting go of ill will. We forgive not only to avoid hurting others but also to stop hurting ourselves. Forgiving can be challenging because we feel we need to keep reminding the offending person of their wrongdoing to prevent future harm. But we should ask ourselves: how much punishment is enough? Do they know they’ve hurt us? What would it take for us to be satisfied?
Remember, you don’t need resentment to protect yourself. If someone has the potential to hurt you, stay alert without harboring ill will. Trust in yourself to guard against further harm without involving resentment.
Most of our resentment is directed at people who don’t intend to keep hurting us, and often they are people we love. In these cases, since loving relationships are precious, we should aim to forgive quickly.
Self-compassion exercises can help release these resentments. They can heal the underlying hurt that fuels our ill will, offering true protection that resentment cannot provide.
It’s essential to understand that feeling anger is normal and human, even for Buddhists. The key is to be honest and humble about it and to apologize to those we’ve hurt.