Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty down on and off. Most days, I’m okay, but then I get hit with these heavy, gloomy feelings. This is mostly because I’m constantly just scraping by financially, which adds a lot of stress. I worry about how little gas I can afford for my car and how to spend less at the supermarket while still eating healthily.
I’m not complaining—at least I have a car, and I won’t go hungry. I often remind myself of the good things in my life, and I usually stay optimistic, which helps me keep going. But over time, this constant stress takes its toll.
When I feel this way, I try to practice what I preach, which includes mindful acceptance. A few years ago, my friend Padraig O’Morain shared a great mantra: “My happiness does not depend on this.” He uses it, for example, when he’s stuck in traffic to remind himself that his happiness isn’t tied to the situation. It’s a powerful phrase because we often wrongly believe that such inconveniences can ruin our happiness. By letting go of these beliefs, we can find peace and calmness even when things go wrong.
This idea applies to our feelings as well. When I’m feeling low, I remind myself, “My happiness does not depend on how I feel.” This might seem strange because we often think happiness is all about how we feel. But just like we can be happy in a traffic jam by changing our mindset, we can be happy despite unpleasant feelings.
We have feelings and reactions to those feelings. Often, we resist painful feelings, which only makes them stronger. This resistance happens so automatically that we don’t even realize it. We think the suffering from resisting our primary unpleasant feelings is just part of the main problem.
Acceptance is another way to respond to our feelings, and it’s something we don’t practice enough. Most people don’t know how to accept painful feelings, so it takes practice. We can start by observing our feelings rather than being consumed by them. Notice where the feeling is, its size, its position, and how it changes. Remind yourself, “This is not me. This is not mine. This is not who I am.” You can even say, “My happiness does not depend on how I feel.”
When we accept an unpleasant feeling, our secondary unpleasant feelings often dissolve, leaving just the core feeling. We can see that this core unpleasant feeling isn’t a problem. We don’t need to get rid of it because trying to do so only brings more resistance and suffering. If you think, “This isn’t working!” while trying to accept a painful feeling, that’s just another form of resistance. Keep going and let the unpleasant feeling be.
It’s entirely possible to be happy even with unpleasant feelings present. This happiness isn’t necessarily a pleasant feeling; it can be a deeper sense of calm and peace that comes from acceptance. This deeper level of happiness can coexist with unpleasant feelings.
The mantra “My happiness does not depend on how I feel,” or even “My happiness does not depend on this feeling,” has been very helpful for me in finding peace despite feeling crappy.
Acceptance doesn’t mean we can’t change things in our lives. I’m advocating for changing circumstances that aren’t good for our wellbeing. I’m working on changes myself to reduce the stresses I mentioned. But in the meantime, I can still come back to a place of peace.