In the tradition I follow, lovingkindness (known as metta bhavana) and mindfulness meditation are seen as equally important. However, from my observations, about a third of long-term practitioners tend to give up on lovingkindness practice, either doing it very rarely or skipping it altogether.
Many people struggle with the first stage of lovingkindness meditation, which involves cultivating kindness towards oneself. They look for feelings of kindness and, if those feelings don’t appear, they become anxious or despondent, thinking something must be wrong with them. In some cases, the difficulty extends to the entire practice. The absence of feelings of love can make individuals feel they are lacking in love, leading to feelings of failure which can spiral into self-loathing, the exact opposite of the practice’s goal.
To make lovingkindness meditation more accessible and rewarding, I suggest a few different approaches. The term “lovingkindness” can sound unusual and difficult, so I prefer using the word “kindness.” Both kindness and metta start with an empathetic understanding that everyone wants to be happy and avoid suffering. Recognizing this, we strive to act in ways that avoid causing suffering and support long-term happiness and well-being.
When beginning meditation, infuse qualities of kindness into how you hold your body. Avoid rigid postures or forcing yourself into uncomfortable positions. Aim for a balance between uprightness and relaxation, embodying both dignity and ease.
We all know how to look with loving eyes. Recall moments when you looked at someone with love—a child, a friend, a pet. At the start of a session, remember these experiences and let these feelings persist as you shift your attention inward. Observe yourself with the same fondness, and don’t force anything; let it naturally unfold.
During practice, occasionally check in with your eyes, reinforcing the memory of looking with kindness. Kindness stems from empathy, so it’s important to cultivate empathy right from the start. As you proceed, apply the same steps for anyone else you bring to mind during the practice.
Instead of focusing solely on becoming happy, emphasize becoming kinder. Revising the traditional phrases to include kindness can be helpful, such as “May I be well. May I be happy. May I be kind to myself and others.” This shifting focus can remind you of the practice’s true purpose.
When repeating these phrases, don’t rush. Allow time for the words to be internalized, saying a phrase on an out-breath, then pausing, and continuing with the next phrase on the following out-breath. This rhythm gives your being time to absorb the intention behind the words.
Initially, I was taught that the goal of metta bhavana was to develop “universal lovingkindness” which seemed overwhelming. Instead of trying to wish everyone in the world well, focus on permeation. Let your awareness be filled with kindness so that anyone you encounter, in person or in thought, is met with kindness. Recognize that everyone is a feeling being who desires happiness and support.
By practicing these approaches, you can make lovingkindness meditation less daunting and more effective. If you struggle with lovingkindness meditation, these practical tips could help make your practice smoother.