The way to get past not liking yourself isn’t trying to like yourself more: it’s being kinder to yourself.
Last week, I was chatting with a friend who was feeling lonely. She said she liked herself but also mentioned at one point, “I have a sweet dog in my life. Maybe that’s all I’m allowed.” I suggested she consider if she would say that to a lonely friend. You wouldn’t tell someone, “Maybe the universe doesn’t want you to have anyone but your dog. Maybe you’re meant to be lonely,” because that would be cruel and hurtful.
So what does liking yourself mean? Liking something means it gives you pleasure. You like food that tastes good, and you enjoy being with people who make you happy. But your “self”? That’s an incredibly complex mix of love, hate, patience, anger, compassion, cruelty, ignorance, wisdom, happiness, and pain. “Yourself” isn’t just one thing. When you like “yourself,” are you enjoying all these aspects? Probably not! Maybe liking yourself means you generally feel good about who you are. But what happens when you confront parts of yourself that are uncomfortable, like loneliness or neediness? It’s tough to like those parts, and you likely won’t. Ignoring these parts to maintain a sense of liking yourself can lead to a skewed sense of who you are, which isn’t healthy.
You might find you like yourself overall but still be unkind to the parts you don’t like. This can lead to disliking yourself entirely. We aim to like ourselves to avoid the pain of self-dislike, hoping to find inner harmony. But striving to like yourself isn’t entirely rational because you can’t like every part of yourself, and attempts to do so can lead to inner conflict.
However, you can be kind to all parts of yourself, even those you don’t like. Offer kindness to the hateful, angry, cruel, and deluded parts of you. Approach your pain with compassion. This approach brings the inner harmony that trying to like yourself cannot.
Being kind to yourself means developing patience and understanding that negative traits are part of being human. None of us chose to be born with these tendencies; they’re just part of our journey. There’s no point in blaming ourselves. Harshness and self-blame don’t help and are counterproductive. Being kind doesn’t mean pretending troublesome traits are positive or ignoring their existence. Self-kindness allows us to accept who we are as a work in progress.
But how do we cultivate greater self-kindness? Recognize that you aren’t your feelings or habits; these are temporary aspects of your being. Cultivate kindness towards your difficulties by acknowledging painful habits or feelings and practicing patience and compassion towards them. This approach creates a powerful practice of self-kindness.
If you stop focusing on liking yourself and instead focus on being kind to yourself, you will experience less self-dislike. Our deepest fear is being unlovable, but practicing self-kindness shows us that every part of us deserves compassion. Self-kindness is transformative, acknowledging our imperfection and allowing us to patiently improve ourselves and let go of harmful habits. This kindness extends to others, enriching our relationships and daily lives.