Life’s challenges, disappointments, and frustrations can really make us lose our cool. We might get anxious, worry, and think about the worst things that could happen, which just makes our hearts race. Sometimes, we lose our temper, yell, storm off, or even hold onto resentment.
It’s also common to blame others for whatever is bothering us, even if they had little to do with it. To dodge the uncomfortable feelings that come with our problems, we might start drinking, binge-watching Netflix, throw ourselves into work, or comfort-eat. We might avoid people we have issues with or ignore mail that could bring bad news. We might even put off calling the doctor about a symptom, just in case it’s something bad.
Some of us shut down emotionally and retreat into depression, telling ourselves we’re useless, that things always go wrong, and that nobody likes us. In extreme cases, we might go numb and cut ourselves off from our feelings entirely.
All these reactions not only make our problems worse but are also unnecessary. Although changing these behaviors might be tough and scary, it’s entirely possible. We all have the ability to become aware of how our minds work and how they can make us suffer. We can let go of the thoughts and actions that make us freak out. We have the potential to face difficulties with a calm and creative mind, reacting wisely and balanced.
None of us are broken to the point where we can’t move towards a more balanced way of living that creates less suffering. What’s happened is that we’ve learned and practiced habits that take problems and make them bigger. These habits might come from the way our minds work or from family, friends, or culture. But the good news is, we can learn new habits.
It becomes easier to accept this when we understand that habits are based on brain circuits, and these circuits are always changing. If we continue to freak out, we reinforce those negative pathways in the brain. But if we start practicing habits like keeping things in perspective, managing our emotional responses, and maintaining positive emotions, those pathways will get stronger. This rewires our brain for the better.
With every thought, word, and action, we’re reshaping our brains. Over time, this can make us very different—and much happier—people. All it takes is that first step to recognize that we are in control of who we become.