During one of my initial attempts at lovingkindness meditation (metta bhavana), a teacher instructed us to find feelings of love in our hearts and then extend that love to others. I diligently searched my heart but found nothing. This was incredibly distressing. Since I couldn’t find any love internally, I couldn’t proceed with the meditation. It felt impossible to share something I didn’t possess.
This inability to practice left me reflecting on the implications of not finding love in my heart. I began to worry that something was fundamentally wrong with me, which was quite upsetting. I sank into a spiral of despair and depression, convinced there was a defect within me. The teacher eventually rang the bell, signaling the end of the meditation, and I felt somewhat relieved.
I initially thought this problem was unique to me, but a few months later, a friend shared a similar experience with lovingkindness meditation. He, too, encountered a negative spiral when attempting to find love in his heart.
Over time, I discovered that a more effective approach for me was to simply observe my heart and accept whatever I found there—pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral—and then wish myself and others well. I eventually realized that lovingkindness meditation is more about kindness than love. Kindness isn’t a feeling; it’s an intention. It involves recognizing that we all desire happiness, peace, and wellbeing, and wishing that for ourselves and others.
Try this now: Consider yourself as a person with feelings that matter. You would rather be happy than suffer, peaceful than troubled, and well than unwell. Now think of someone else—anyone. They, too, experience feelings just as vividly as you do. They also prefer happiness over suffering.
When you consider the reality of someone’s feelings, you’re naturally inclined to support their wellbeing and act kindly towards them. This intention to support someone’s wellbeing is what kindness truly is. It may be accompanied by feelings like warmth or tenderness, but those are just side effects of kindness, not the essence of it.
Years ago, I learned a helpful practice from American Zen teacher Jan Chozen Bays called “Loving Eyes.” It involves recalling the feeling of looking lovingly at a kitten, puppy, child, or partner. This invites an attitude of care and tenderness. With practice, we can direct this loving gaze towards ourselves and others, cultivating kindness naturally.
For most people, including me, lovingkindness practice is most effective when we focus on extending kindness rather than searching for specific feelings in our hearts. It doesn’t matter if our hearts feel sad or neutral; what’s important is how we regard these feelings—with kindness.
So, here’s a simple suggestion: Love isn’t something you search for; it’s how you approach life. It starts with compassion towards yourself, recognizing your own desire to be free from suffering.
If you’re practicing meditation and feel nothing in your heart, know that empathy and kindness can still be present. You may feel like something is wrong with you, but shifting your perspective can help. It’s about recognizing your feelings and treating them with importance, even if they seem secondary to societal expectations or personal perfectionism.
Understanding that you’d rather be happy than sad already acknowledges your feelings. Sometimes, the strategies we use—like prioritizing others’ expectations—are just attempts to ultimately achieve happiness. So, recognizing your own feelings is crucial, even if it doesn’t come naturally at first.