We often act surprised when we notice changes, as if the universe has been hiding them from us. We might see gray hairs or wrinkles and blame ourselves, thinking we could have prevented it with more effort.
Sometimes, we don’t even notice changes. Psychologists have been studying “change blindness” for many years. In a memorable experiment, participants were asked to go to a certain office for a study. At the reception, the receptionist would duck behind the counter to get an information packet and then stand up to hand it over. What participants didn’t notice was that the person who stood up was not the same person they had been talking to moments earlier. An assistant behind the counter switched places with the original receptionist. Despite the obvious differences in height, facial features, and clothing, few participants noticed the switch. Our minds often fail to notice changes, even obvious ones.
We also tend to see others as unchanging. Recognizing their impermanence can help us be more patient and forgiving. Here’s an exercise to try:
Think of someone you often have conflicts with, perhaps someone close to you. Maybe they have a habit that irritates you or hurts your feelings. (I think of a colleague who sometimes sighs and rolls her eyes when I share my opinions, making me feel naive or unintelligent. This is painful to recall.) Visualize the person and what they do that upsets you. Notice your feelings and observe them mindfully.
Now, imagine that person as a baby, just under a year old, sitting up but not yet walking or talking, except for cute babbling. Then, picture them as very old, in their late 90s, frail and barely holding onto life. You now have three images of the person: as a baby, as they are now, and in extreme old age. Think again about the annoying thing they do. Notice how you feel.
People who try this exercise often feel greater compassion or sadness for the other person. The annoying habit becomes less significant in the context of an entire human life. These feelings of sadness or compassion come from realizing the fleeting nature of life. This awareness helps us let go of resentment. We see that, in the grand scheme of things, these annoyances aren’t that important.
I’ve used this approach with my children. Like all kids, they were tough during tantrums when they were young, and now as teenagers, their behavior is challenging in new ways. During difficult interactions, I try to see them not just as they are now, but also as the adorable babies they once were, and as the mature adults they will become. This perspective helps me realize that their current behaviors are just temporary phases. My role as their father is to be compassionately present as they grow up. The more I keep this in mind, the more relaxed and kind I am with them.
You might want to try this perspective with people you find difficult. Practice it when you’re not in conflict, so it’s easier to respond with compassion during tough times. This simple shift in perception brings calm, peace, and compassion.
Thank you for your article. My daughter is 17 years old, and I’ve been feeling many challenges from her lately. She doesn’t like to share everything with me, which upsets me.
Thanks, BodhiPaksa, for the insightful article!