One thing that has really transformed my life is practicing self-empathy. When I first heard the term, it was like a lightbulb went off because I realized I hadn’t been empathetic towards myself at all. Even though I had been practicing loving-kindness meditation for over twenty years at that point, self-empathy had never crossed my mind.
My lack of self-empathy became obvious in how hard I was on myself when things got tough. I thought feeling unhappy meant I had failed, as though I should be happy all the time. This tendency to blame myself led to a deep depression since I was only making myself feel worse in response to my unhappiness.
Over time, I’ve become much better at being kind and understanding towards myself. Now, I see self-empathy as a crucial step towards self-kindness, or “metta.” And because being kind to yourself is the foundation for being kind to others, self-empathy is essentially the bedrock of practicing loving-kindness.
To help explain how to cultivate self-empathy, let’s break it down into steps. First, acknowledge that you are a feeling being. You have emotions, and they matter to you. Although you can ignore or suppress them for a while, doing so comes with a cost—a decreased ability to enjoy life, a fragile emotional state, and difficulty connecting with others. Self-empathy means accepting that it’s okay to feel.
Next, understand that deep down, you want to be happy and you want to avoid suffering. This is a basic instinct that all sentient beings share and is hardwired into us. Emotions evolved to help us survive by guiding us towards benefits and away from threats. While we can suppress or dismiss these drives, understanding our emotional needs is a part of self-empathy.
Living in a world where well-being is often hard to achieve and suffering is common makes it tough to meet our needs for happiness and avoidance of pain. Empathy means recognizing that being human is difficult, and struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re just being human, shaped by evolution.
Considering all this, it becomes natural to support and encourage ourselves when facing life’s challenges. Remember the saying, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”? The person you meet most frequently is yourself.
We already give ourselves a lot of support by empathizing with ourselves, but there are many other ways to show kindness. For example, I often talk to myself internally when times are tough. Standard loving-kindness phrases like “May I be well, may I be happy” can be useful, but using everyday language helps even more. I might say, “I know you’re anxious right now, but I’m here for you. We’ve gotten through this before and will again.”
Another way to show kindness is through a gentle, loving gaze. Think about how you look at a beloved child, pet, or partner when feeling particularly affectionate. Now, turn that same kind of attention inwards to observe your own body and feelings. Giving yourself this kind of loving attention can help you feel supported and better able to handle tough times.
A third method is through touch. When someone you love is hurting, your first instinct might be to hug them or place a hand on their arm or shoulder. I often put a hand on my heart, especially while talking to myself kindly. This combination of touch, words, and kind attention is very nurturing.
Some people think self-compassion makes you soft, but it’s actually the opposite. Research shows that those who are best at self-compassion are the most emotionally resilient. Turning towards and accepting painful feelings is definitely challenging.
Over the years, I’ve found that the more I practice empathy and kindness towards myself, the stronger my empathy and kindness become for others. Just as I want to be happy and free from suffering, so do others. Just as I need support, others do too. This understanding fosters kindness, reflected in how we look at, speak to, touch, or help others.