A parent comparing us unfavorably to a sibling, a boss embarrassing us in front of colleagues over unmet expectations, or a partner frequently complaining about undone household chores—these are all ways people try to motivate us by pushing our buttons. We’ve experienced this so often that we’ve internalized this method of motivation.
Our inner critic steps in and chastises us when we feel we’ve underperformed or been lazy about starting a task. Despite this constant self-criticism, many of us still struggle to find motivation. When self-criticism doesn’t work, we often think even more self-criticism is the answer. We might wonder, “How would I get anything done without being hard on myself?”
Interestingly, studies show that people who practice self-compassion are more effective and less prone to procrastination than those who are self-critical. Psychologists at St. Edward’s University in Texas found that college students who started their assignments early generally had higher levels of self-compassion and were less likely to procrastinate compared to their last-minute counterparts.
Procrastination isn’t so much a problem of time management as it is of managing our emotions. Just thinking about a difficult task can make us feel anxious, restless, or dread. When we can’t handle these feelings, we avoid the task altogether. Learning to support and encourage ourselves through discomfort helps us tackle challenging tasks instead of avoiding them.
One compelling way self-compassion boosts our motivation is by developing empathy for our future selves—almost like treating them as a friend. I discovered this while dealing with household chores. Often, I’d notice dirty dishes before bed but feel too tired to clean them. However, waking up to a messy kitchen was unpleasant, so I started thinking about how my future self (I called him Morning Me) would feel. I realized Morning Me would appreciate waking up to a tidy kitchen. So, to help my future self, I’d wash the dishes at night. This small act of compassion made the whole process feel like self-care rather than a chore.
Neuroscience backs up this compassionate approach to self-discipline. Alexander Soutschek from the University of Zurich found that when a part of the brain associated with empathy was shut down, people’s ability to exert self-control also diminished. Impulsiveness arises when we can’t empathize with our future selves.
Being self-compassionate means considering whether our actions benefit our long-term happiness and well-being. Short-term thinking makes us give up easily because something feels unpleasant right now. On the other hand, self-compassion helps us think long-term; even if something feels uncomfortable now, we consider how we’ll feel later.
It’s a myth that self-compassion reduces our motivation. In reality, it’s one of the most effective ways to encourage ourselves to achieve our goals.