Often, when we notice changes, it’s as if we’re shocked that the universe has kept these surprises from us. We ask, “Who is that older person staring at me from the mirror?” We spot new gray hairs or wrinkles and see them as personal failures, almost as if we believe we could have prevented these natural changes if only we had tried harder.
Sometimes, we’re completely oblivious to change. Psychologists have been studying “change blindness” for years. One fascinating experiment involved volunteers reporting to a specific office for a study. As they checked in at the reception, the receptionist would tell them he needed to get an information packet, duck behind the counter, and then stand up to hand it to them.
What most participants failed to notice was that a different person stood up each time. An accomplice hiding behind the counter would replace the first receptionist. Despite differences in height, facial features, and clothing, very few participants noticed the switch. Our minds just aren’t good at recognizing change, even when it’s obvious.
We also perceive others as fixed and unchanging. Learning to see their impermanence can make us more patient and forgiving. Here’s an exercise that might help you experience this directly:
Think about someone you often clash with—perhaps someone close to you. Maybe they have a habit that irritates or hurts you. Picture that person and what they do that upsets you. Notice the feelings that arise and observe them mindfully.
Now, visualize this person in three stages of life: as a baby, just under a year old, able to sit up but not walk or talk beyond babbling; as they are now; and as a very old person, frail and near the end of life. While holding these three images in your mind, recall the annoying thing they do. How do you feel now?
People who try this exercise often feel greater compassion or sadness. That annoying habit seems less significant in the context of an entire human life. These feelings arise because we’re acknowledging the fleeting nature of life.
Understanding impermanence can help us let go of resentment and other negative reactions. We realize that in the grand scheme of our limited time on Earth, such issues are not important.
I’ve found this approach helpful in dealing with my children. Like all kids, they can be challenging. Sometimes they had tantrums when they were younger, and now, as they approach their teens, they exhibit different difficult behaviors. During tough interactions, I try to see them not just as they are now, but also as the adorable babies they once were and imagine them as mature, confident adults.
Seeing them this way helps me recognize that their current behaviors are just a phase. As their father, my role is to be compassionately present as they grow into adulthood. Keeping this perspective makes me more relaxed and kind with my children.
You might want to try this approach with people you find difficult. Practice this visualization when you’re not in conflict with them. It makes it more likely you’ll respond with compassion when tensions rise.
This simple shift in how we see others can bring calm, peace, and compassion to our lives.