I recently received an email from someone seeking advice on how to handle a wave of self-doubt and self-criticism:
“I started meditating regularly about a month ago, but now I’m scared to continue. I suddenly felt a deep sense of self-resentment, remembering bad choices I’ve made and feeling utterly unworthy of love and compassion. I felt I didn’t even deserve to meditate and thought of myself as incredibly selfish. The pain was indescribable.”
What this person experienced is known as the “hindrance of doubt.” There are five of these mental roadblocks that prevent us from feeling comfortable with ourselves: craving, ill will, anxiety, lethargy, and doubt—the sneakiest one of all.
Doubt undermines our confidence by telling us negative stories about ourselves. The thoughts she described, like feeling unworthy or extremely selfish, are classic examples of doubt’s tactics. Although doubt can target our practices, it more often attacks our sense of self.
Recognizing doubt is challenging because the emotions and stories it presents hit hard emotionally, making us feel vulnerable. We tend to believe these negative stories without questioning them.
It’s crucial to identify doubt’s patterns and remind ourselves that these feelings and stories are just expressions of doubt, not reality. When you understand this, the negative thoughts lose their grip. A thought like “I am unworthy of love” isn’t very troubling if you see it as just a frightened part of you resisting positive change.
I believe doubt acts as a protective mechanism. It may be a fear-based response to challenges, telling us we’re not capable to avoid the pain of potential failure. It might also stem from a fear of positive change, as old habits—the “sub-personalities” within us—try to prevent transformation. In this case, it seems doubt arose after a month of meditation, as parts of her were afraid of the changes happening.
Don’t fear doubt. Recognize it as just a story and don’t take it too seriously. There are significant benefits to doing this. Often, once we recognize doubt and choose not to believe it, we experience a surge of energy and confidence in ourselves and our practice. Beyond doubt lies faith.