When we feel conflict or ill will towards someone, it’s easy to see that there’s something about them that bothers us. But what’s not so obvious is that the real issue is the feelings that arise within us. When we have hateful or critical thoughts, we’re actually reacting to our own pain, not directly to the other person.
Our ill will toward someone is really because we can’t handle the uncomfortable feelings within ourselves. Hatred aims to push away what we think is the source of the problem, which we assume is the other person. We believe that by being unpleasant, they’ll leave us alone. However, this doesn’t work well in social situations where we are stuck with people we have bad feelings toward. Ill will doesn’t solve the real issue, which is our inability to accept parts of ourselves that are hurting. Not only is it ineffective, but it’s also painful. When we are full of hate, it’s a tense, conflicted, and unpleasant state. Acting on these negative feelings often leads to conflicts that make things worse. Ill will is like a bad medicine that exacerbates the problem.
Until we learn to deal with our pain effectively, we’ll keep feeling aversion toward it and, as a result, toward others. However, if we learn to accept our uncomfortable feelings, there’s no longer a need for hatred.
In meditation, there is a practice where we think about someone we have conflict with or dislike. When you think of this person, pay attention to your body and the response it has towards them. You’ll often feel physical discomfort around your heart or stomach. This is the unpleasant feeling we’re trying to avoid. This is the feeling we need to accept and respond to with compassion.
You can observe the discomfort and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. You can even tell yourself, “It’s OK to feel this.”
As you practice this, you may notice that you can think about your discomfort without feeling ill will. If hateful thoughts do arise, focus again on your body’s actual experience and the painful feelings there. Keep accepting them and offering them reassurance and compassion.
After doing this, even if it only takes a few seconds, it becomes easier to think compassionately about the person you find difficult. You might still recognize that something about their behavior is problematic. You may need to address it with them, but now you can do it with less hostility and more empathy, considering both your feelings and theirs.
Remember, happiness is something we can manage by being aware of what makes us unhappy.