One major emotional trigger for cruel and unkind behavior is resentment. Resentment occurs when we hold onto past hurt, trapping ourselves in a cycle of blame. Unable to move on, we repeatedly recall instances where someone hurt, betrayed, or failed to protect us. Each time we do this, we relive the pain, generating a fresh wave of ill will each time.
Clarifying a common misconception here: it’s not that we store old emotions in our subconscious, which occasionally resurface. This outdated idea goes back to Freud’s time, but both Buddhist teachings and modern psychology suggest a different process. The hurt associated with an old memory isn’t a stored emotion that we simply access; rather, the pain is recreated each time we remember the event. This means each time we feel hurt, it’s a new instance of that emotion. Similarly, the anger or self-hatred that arises from this hurt is also a new emotion experienced each time.
We naturally fall into patterns of resentment without planning to. It’s a deeply ingrained habit, shared with other animals. Take crows, for example. They can develop resentment against researchers who have captured and tagged them, and these feelings can last for years. This resentment spreads through their communities, signifying that such responses might be instinctive and learned rather than choose.
Understanding resentment as part of our genetic heritage means it’s pointless to blame ourselves for being prone to it. Like crows, we use resentment as both a tool for punishment and protection. We want to punish those who hurt us and prevent them from repeating their actions. However, holding onto resentment often causes us more suffering than the person we’re resenting. There’s a saying in AA: “Resentment is like swallowing rat poison and waiting for the other person to die.” An older Buddhist saying likens it to picking up feces to throw at someone; while you may make the other person smell, you end up dirtying yourself.
These reflections remind us why harboring resentment is harmful. By recognizing its consequences, we can weaken the grip of this emotion. Forgiveness stands as the antidote to resentment. Forgiveness involves willingly letting go of ill will, which helps us stop hurting others and ourselves.
Forgiving can be challenging because we think we must continually remind the other person of their wrongdoing to prevent future harm. We also remind ourselves of their capacity to hurt us. However, we should consider how much punishment is sufficient. Does the person already know we’re upset? If not, will they ever? What would we need from them to move past this, and is it possible we’ve already received it?
It’s important to remember that we don’t need ill will to protect ourselves. If someone has the potential to hurt us, we can be vigilant without harboring resentment. Trust yourself to recognize danger signs, but you don’t have to trust an untrustworthy person. Resentment isn’t necessary for self-protection.
Interestingly, a lot of our resentment might be directed toward people who have no ongoing desire to harm us. They could even be people we love. In such cases, given the value of loving relationships, it’s beneficial to practice forgiveness quickly.
Practicing self-compassion can aid in letting go of resentment. It heals the unhealed hurt, which ill will falsely promises to protect. Self-compassion provides genuine protection that helps us move on from past wounds.