Most of the pain we experience is self-inflicted. When we dwell on past resentments, we often blame others for our suffering. While it’s true that someone might have hurt us, usually it’s our own thoughts that keep the pain alive, especially if that person is no longer in our lives.
A 5th-century monk named Buddhaghosa wrote “The Path of Purification,” which suggests that we reflect on why we continue to hurt ourselves even after someone else has caused us pain. By becoming aware of our resentful thoughts, we can see that we are inflicting suffering on ourselves. The problem began with someone else causing us pain, but now we are perpetuating it ourselves.
Reflecting on this won’t necessarily stop resentment immediately, but it can reduce those negative thoughts enough to allow us to think more clearly. Buddhaghosa’s idea involves understanding how feelings and thoughts influence each other. Resentful thoughts lead to feelings of hurt and anxiety, which then trigger more resentful thoughts. This creates a vicious cycle, contributing to our ongoing distress.
The Buddha spoke about this in terms of two arrows. Being hurt is like being shot by an arrow, but our negative thoughts act like additional arrows, causing even more pain. Often, our repeated resentful thoughts result in more self-inflicted wounds than the original hurt caused by the other person.
Buddhaghosa offers other reflections to consider. He notes that in life, we’ve had to let go of many things that made us happy. So, why shouldn’t we let go of resentment, which only makes us miserable? He also suggests that if we disapprove of another person’s actions, we should hold ourselves to the same standards and not engage in behaviors we disapprove of, like anger and resentment. In doing so, we practice integrity.
If someone aims to hurt us, why give them the satisfaction by hurting ourselves with our own anger? Our anger might or might not affect the other person, but it will certainly harm us. These reflections are methods to help us slow down the cycle of resentment.
A helpful practice is to notice where thoughts and feelings arise—usually, thoughts come from the head and feelings from the body, around the heart and gut. By doing this, we can better understand the cycle of resentment.
Practicing lovingkindness is also crucial. It helps us be kinder to ourselves and recognize when we’re caught in a cycle of resentment. Instead of beating ourselves up, we can offer kindness to ourselves with thoughts like, “May I be well. May I be at ease. May I be free from suffering.” These practices aren’t quick fixes, but they can help soften our resentment, enabling us to let go and find peace.
We can also feel resentment towards situations, especially when we feel we’ve been treated unfairly. This often leads to blaming ourselves due to a sense of helplessness. Practices like “standing like a tree” meditation, which focuses on stability and non-reactivity, can help us notice our bodily tensions and thoughts, allowing us to release painful feelings.
In dealing with negative thoughts, ask whether you would be happier without them. If the answer is yes, it’s a good sign to let them go. Not all unpleasant thoughts should be dismissed, as some may guide us toward long-term happiness by confronting short-term difficulties.