Lately, I’ve been realizing that striving to see yourself as a “good person” isn’t very helpful. It might sound strange since you’d think we all want to see ourselves that way, but let me explain why it’s a problem.
When you think of yourself as a good person, and someone points out you’ve done something wrong—like lying or being inconsiderate—you’ll likely get defensive. You might even attack or undermine the other person to protect your self-image because it’s important for you to think of yourself as “good.”
I’ve noticed this in myself. If my partner pointed out that I’d said something untrue, I’d deny it, twist my words to make them seem true, or claim I’d meant something else. Trying to hold onto my image of being a good person made me act less like one.
A friend of mine had issues with her boss, who would overrule her expertise without explanation, just saying, “It’s what I decided.” This was obviously frustrating. When my friend challenged her, her boss would either evade the question or blame her. The boss seemed desperate to prove she hadn’t done anything wrong, likely even to herself. In doing so, she acted in ways that weren’t good.
Many people see themselves as good, even when they do harmful things. They downplay the damage they cause, or outright deny it, even in cases of serious wrongdoing. They might justify their actions by saying the other person deserved it. This belief that they are inherently good can actually enable their bad behavior: “I’m a good person, so what I do can’t be that bad.”
The alternative isn’t to think of yourself as a bad person—that’s equally unhelpful. Instead, it’s better not to label yourself as any kind of person at all. This idea is rooted in Buddhist teachings where holding any fixed belief about yourself leads to suffering. When challenged, these fixed beliefs make us defensive, as we cling to them for a sense of stability: “I know who I am. I’m a good person.”
Not thinking of yourself as good or bad doesn’t leave you morally lost. It actually frees you. You can view yourself in two broader ways:
1. Commit to being a work in progress. Focus on developing qualities that benefit yourself and others, and work on letting go of harmful tendencies. It’s not about reaching a goal, but having one and working towards it.
2. Aim to do good rather than trying to be good. Don’t concentrate on what you are; focus on what you do. This shift in perspective is significant. It moves you from seeing yourself as static to seeing yourself as dynamic, constantly changing, and responsible for your ethical actions.
I’ve found it freeing to examine myself more closely and realize that clinging to being seen as good isn’t helpful. I’m neither inherently good nor bad—I’m evolving. And that realization is liberating. So, don’t focus on who you are; focus on what you do.