Lately, I’ve been realizing it’s not really helpful to constantly see yourself as a “good” person. This might sound strange, but hear me out. When you think of yourself as a good person, it becomes a problem if someone points out something negative you’ve done, like being dishonest or inconsiderate. Because maintaining your self-image as a good person is important, you might defend yourself or even lash out at the other person to protect that image.
I’ve noticed this in myself. For instance, when my partner pointed out something minor I was untruthful about, I’d deny it or twist my words to make them seem true. By stubbornly holding onto my belief that I’m good, I was actually straying further from being a genuinely good person.
A friend of mine faced a similar issue with her boss, who would dismiss her expertise without explanation and just say, “It’s what I’ve decided.” This undermined her, and when she challenged her boss, she was met with evasion or blame. It seemed her boss needed to believe she hadn’t done anything wrong, which led to behavior that wasn’t good.
A lot of people think of themselves as good, even when they do bad things. They minimize the harm they cause, deny their wrongdoings, or justify them, even in extreme cases like theft or abuse. They might think, “I’m a good person, so my actions can’t be that bad.”
The solution isn’t to think of yourself as a bad person either. Instead, try not to label yourself at all. This concept aligns with teachings from the Buddha, who believed that any fixed belief about ourselves creates suffering. Fixed beliefs make us defensive when challenged because they provide a false sense of stability.
Not viewing yourself as either good or bad can actually free you. It allows you to focus on your actions rather than a static self-image. You can decide what personal qualities you want to develop and work towards them. See yourself as a work in progress, continuously evolving and aiming to do good rather than being good.
This shift might seem small, but it’s significant. It’s about seeing yourself as dynamic and responsible for your ethical development. This perspective has helped me a lot. I realized I had been clinging to the idea of being a good person, which wasn’t helpful. Recognizing that I’m neither good nor bad, but constantly evolving, has been truly liberating.