We all go through conditioning that can impact our happiness and sometimes make us miserable. This conditioning starts even before we are born. Studies show that our grandparents’ exposure to stress can alter how our genes function, potentially making us more anxious while suppressing genes that could make us more relaxed. We don’t have control over this, and it’s not our fault.
Our early childhood experiences also play a huge role. Factors such as how often our parents held us, how they communicated, whether they were loving or harsh, and the consistency of their affection can change our brain’s structure in ways that leave lasting marks. Growing up in a household where affection was rare and criticism was common left me with insecurities about whether I’m valued or loved. I often overreact to signs that I’m not appreciated, which can make me less likable—a self-fulfilling prophecy. This pattern causes suffering for me and others. Everyone’s early experiences are different, but we all have conditioning that can lead to suffering, and it’s not something we chose.
Knowing this helps us stop blaming ourselves. Our conditioning isn’t who we are; it’s something that happened to us. Realizing this frees us from self-blame. However, this doesn’t give us a free pass to behave poorly. As adults, we must take responsibility for our actions. Understanding our early conditioning can help us manage our behavior, especially in ways that affect others.
I came across a social media post where a young woman compared dating experiences at different ages. At 21, she asked about fun activities, but by 27, she wanted to know how aware a person was of their past traumas and their efforts to heal. I wish I had been that aware of past conditioning in my twenties, but I was in denial then, and there’s no point in blaming myself for it now.
Blaming our parents for their lack of affection or critical nature is also pointless. They were acting out their conditioning in a time when people didn’t consider how their actions affected well-being.
There’s no need to be ashamed of being imperfect. We all are. Working on our imperfections is challenging because the tools we have for this work are themselves flawed. Acknowledging the ways we’ve been set up to suffer—by our genetic makeup, brain structure, and childhood experiences—is crucial for developing self-compassion. We’re all struggling with the human experience, and understanding this helps us be kinder to ourselves. If you would show this kindness to someone you love, why not show it to yourself?
Understanding our conditioning allows us to give ourselves a break. You’d do this for a person you love. Why not do it for yourself?