We all experience conditioning that impacts our happiness and can sometimes make us miserable. This conditioning begins even before birth. Studies have shown that our grandparents’ exposure to stress can alter the way our genes are expressed, making us more prone to anxiety while suppressing genes that could make us more relaxed. These changes are beyond our control and not our fault.
Our early childhood experiences also shape us. How our parents treated us—whether they held us often, communicated lovingly, or were critical—can affect the structure of our brains, leaving lasting scars. For instance, growing up in a household without much affection and with frequent criticism left me feeling insecure about being valued or liked. This often makes me overly sensitive and react in ways that may push others away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of feeling unappreciated, which causes more suffering for myself and others.
Everyone’s early experiences differ, but we all have conditioning that leads to suffering. Recognizing that these factors are not our fault helps us avoid self-blame. Our conditioning is not who we are but rather what has been done to us. Understanding this can free us from self-criticism.
While this awareness doesn’t give us a free pass to behave poorly, as adults, we must take responsibility for our actions. To be truly happy, we need to acknowledge our early conditioning and understand its impact on our behavior, especially in how it affects others.
I recently saw a social media post where a young woman compared her dating questions at different ages. At 21, she asked about fun activities, but by 27, she inquired about handling past traumas to prevent projecting issues onto others. This struck me because I wished I’d had such insight at that age. However, I realize I was in denial about my conditioning during my twenties, and there’s no point in blaming myself for that now.
Blaming my parents for their lack of affection and criticism is also pointless. They were acting out of their own conditioning in a time when people didn’t consider how their behavior impacted wellbeing.
It’s important to understand that being imperfect is human, and struggling with our flaws is normal because our tools for improvement are also imperfect. Recognizing how our suffering is shaped by our genetics, upbringing, and brain structure helps us develop self-empathy and compassion. We’re all flawed and doing our best with what we have.
Understanding these factors allows us to be kinder to ourselves. If you’d extend compassion to someone you love, why not do the same for yourself?