You might think the cure for self-hatred is liking yourself. But is that really desirable or even possible? We all have impulses like jealousy, hatred, and greed. Should we like these parts of ourselves? Should we approve of them? Should we let them control our actions?
The concept of liking “ourselves” is flawed. When I reflect on myself, I don’t see one single entity. I see a mix of traits, some that help me thrive and others that may harm my wellbeing. There’s no one “self” to like or dislike.
I have various aspects to work with. There are positive impulses, but also harmful habits like irritability, the need to be “right,” and doubts about my self-worth. These bring suffering to me and those around me.
Hating these parts of ourselves is futile. It only adds more negativity and internal conflict. To hate ourselves is to be at war within ourselves. And in such a war, there’s no winner. As the Buddha observed, hatred can never conquer hatred.
This doesn’t mean I approve of these impulses or want to act on them. If I did, it would lead to even more suffering. I certainly don’t like these destructive habits because liking them would imply associating them with pleasant feelings, and that’s not the case for my irritability, self-doubts, and so on.
However, I can accept them and be kind toward them. Acceptance means recognizing these aspects as part of me. They are part of the broad range of emotions I have inherited as a human being. I didn’t choose to have them, so it makes no sense to judge myself harshly for them. I don’t need to hate myself just for being human.
A person at a discussion between two Buddhist teachers shared how she realized she could have compassion for herself: She thought she needed to like everything about herself to love herself but then realized she could just have compassion, even without liking every part.
It’s possible for us to relate to every part of ourselves with kindness and compassion, including our destructive tendencies. These habits stem from suffering. Our harmful habits are attempts to cope with painful feelings. Irritability tries to keep distress at bay. Jealousy seeks benefits that others have. Doubt tries to figure out what’s wrong in our lives. Each unskillful impulse is an effort to find peace and happiness. The problem isn’t that these impulses are “bad,” but that they don’t succeed in bringing us what we want.
The Buddha pointed out that if letting go of these habits caused pain rather than peace, he wouldn’t have advised it. He didn’t see these habits as inherently bad. He would have encouraged us to continue with our greed, hatred, and delusion if they truly made us happy. But they don’t.
Our task is to find better strategies. Developing “skillfulness” involves finding ways of being that bring peace and harmony. Lacking skill means trying to create happiness but ending up with suffering and conflict.
When we hate our unskillful tendencies, we treat them as enemies. They aren’t enemies; they’re just confused friends trying to help us but failing. Once we empathize with what these confused friends are trying to do, we can find more skillful ways to achieve the same goals. Mindfulness and self-compassion are powerful tools for this.
Our irritability and hatred may try to keep distress out of our lives. Mindful self-compassion helps us see that the real problem isn’t the unpleasant feeling but our resistance to it. It allows us to be present with painful feelings until they naturally pass, and it can help us develop appreciation for whatever was irritating us.
Jealousy tries to grasp benefits that others have, causing us pain. Self-compassion can soothe this pain and help us feel a sense of abundance, allowing us to feel happy for others. Self-doubt may be our way of trying to identify issues within ourselves. Mindful self-compassion can reassure us, reminding us to trust our practice and see our inherent goodness.
Empathizing with our unskillful tendencies makes us happier. Practicing self-compassion is like being a kind and wise parent to ourselves. When children act out, they need kindness, empathy, and wise guidance, not hatred. This approach is also what we need to flourish and be happy.
Learning self-compassion is an ongoing practice. It’s not about flipping a switch, but about continuously discovering new ways to be kinder to ourselves. Starting this journey is itself reassuring.