Can You Stay Open to the Pain of Others?
Humans are naturally empathic, compassionate, and loving creatures. It’s common to feel sadness, worry, or anger about the struggles and pain that others experience, whether they’re people we know or strangers. The same feelings can arise for animals, but let’s focus on humans for now.
A long time ago, Buddha talked about the “first dart” of unavoidable physical pain. Since we are inherently social beings, there’s also a different kind of first dart: unavoidable emotional pain when the people we care about are suffering or in danger.
For instance, if you hear about people going to bed hungry—something that happens to a billion people every night—it’s natural for your heart to ache. I consider myself a calm person, but when I visited Haiti, I was enraged by the horrible living conditions most people endured. On a smaller scale, a friend’s son recently started college and felt lonely and miserable, causing his mom considerable worry and distress.
The “second darts” Buddha mentioned refer to the additional suffering we inflict on ourselves. This includes dwelling on past events, mentally drafting angry emails in the middle of the night, needless worrying, blaming yourself for things beyond your control, and getting overwhelmed by others’ conflicts. Most of our daily stresses come from these second darts—unnecessary pain we bring on ourselves, which is the opposite of peace.
These second darts also hinder our ability to improve situations. You might have experienced talking about something painful, only for the other person to be so shaken by your pain that they couldn’t just listen. Instead, they might offer unsolicited advice, downplay your feelings, cut the conversation short, or even blame you for your pain.
When others aren’t at peace with our pain, they struggle to be open, compassionate, and helpful. The reverse is true when we aren’t at peace with others’ pain.
So, how can you find the balance of being open, caring, and brave enough to let others into your heart while staying centered and calm within yourself?
Keep a Warm Heart
Let the other person’s pain wash over you without resistance. Opening your heart and feeling compassion—a genuine wish for another’s suffering to ease—can help you endure their pain. People long to be heard and understood; your willingness to be open to someone else’s feelings is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
To maintain this openness, it’s helpful to be aware of your own body. Focus on your breathing and ground yourself in the present, recognizing that while you’re here, the other person’s troubles are over there.
It’s also important to have compassion for yourself. Bearing others’ pain can be tough, especially if you feel powerless to help. It’s okay if your response isn’t perfect. When your heart is sincere, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Remember that you are a good person, flaws and all, and this knowledge can help you stay genuinely open to others.
Do What You Can
Take inspiration from Nkosi Johnson, who was born in South Africa with HIV and became an advocate for people with HIV/AIDS before he died at age 12. He said, “Do what you can, with what you’ve been given, in the place where you are, with the time that you have.”
Do what you can with what you have, and find peace in knowing you’ve done your best. Recognize your limitations, which can also bring peace. One of the hardest things for any parent is feeling the struggles and pain of their children yet knowing they can’t do much about it. Acknowledging this reality allows you to avoid unnecessary stress and second darts.
See the Big Picture
Whether someone’s pain is due to illness, family issues, poverty, aging, depression, a stressful job, worry about a child, heartbreak, or the horrors of war, it’s composed of various elements (emotions, sensations, thoughts) that stem from a vast web of causes.
Recognizing this can be oddly calming. You still care and do what you can, but you understand that this pain and its causes are only a small part of a larger, mostly impersonal whole.
This understanding of the bigger picture—one person’s life, the past merging into the present, the natural world, and the entire physical reality—tends to calm the brain’s rumination and agitation centers. It also strengthens the brain’s networks that support mindfulness, being present, and taking life less personally, leading to a growing sense of peace.