In some versions of the loving-kindness (metta bhavana) meditation practice, we begin by thinking of a benefactor—someone who has been kind to us. The idea behind this is to remind ourselves of what kindness feels like. We recall how it feels to be looked at with kind eyes, hear kind words spoken in a gentle voice, see kind gestures, and receive kind actions. This makes the concept of kindness more tangible and helps us become kinder ourselves.
It’s important because when we’re developing kindness and compassion, we all face limitations and need external support to overcome them. Our ability to cultivate compassion can be hindered by our genetic and cultural backgrounds. While we might want to be kind and compassionate, and succeed at times, we often struggle. We may fail to notice when others are suffering or respond to their suffering with compassion. Sometimes, we even act in ways that cause others to suffer. We have blind spots that keep us from seeing our own unkind or harsh behaviors.
Sometimes, it’s simply a lack of knowledge on how to behave differently. I grew up in an environment where I didn’t see many acts of kindness or compassion. Instead, I witnessed a lot of criticism and harshness, where people’s suffering was often ignored. These behaviors became ingrained in my developing brain, just as they had in my parents’ brains and their parents’ brains before them. This kind of conditioning creates the very blind spots I mentioned.
People who were lucky enough to grow up in compassionate and empathetic environments have different patterns set in their neural pathways. They understand what compassion looks, sounds, and feels like. They know how to respond when they see someone suffering.
In the end, we can’t fully understand compassion on our own. We can make some progress by ourselves, but the biggest breakthroughs and insights often come from learning from others. This learning can come from books, courses, or videos, but more likely from observing compassionate behavior in action. Seeing compassion in practice can be a lightbulb moment. We realize, “Oh, that’s how I can act!” and start to move beyond our ingrained behaviors.
So, try to remember instances when others showed compassion towards you. This doesn’t have to be limited to meditation. Think about times when someone forgave you, understood you, or simply listened patiently. By recalling these moments repeatedly, you start to imprint those compassionate patterns in your neural pathways. You build the conviction that, yes, you can act that way too. This makes it more likely that you’ll be compassionate in the future.
Compassion spreads slowly from person to person, sometimes from parent to child, teacher to student, or friend to friend. This is part of why the world has generally been getting better over the centuries, despite ups and downs. Compassion has been gradually embedding itself in our minds.
Remember, you’re part of this process too. You can be the example of compassion that influences others, making them think, “Wow! It’s possible to behave like that! Maybe I can do it too!”