Being human involves an ability called “theory of mind,” which allows us to understand others’ mental states—like beliefs, intentions, desires, plans, and knowledge. For instance, you consider someone’s feelings when delivering bad news or anticipate their questions when explaining something. This ability is so ingrained in our daily lives that we often don’t notice it, but it can lead to problems. Sometimes, our assumptions about what others think are wrong, and these mistaken assumptions can cause unnecessary suffering.
Take my experience with thinning hair. For a long time, I thought people would judge me for it, imagining they found my receding hairline unattractive. Over time, I realized my own judgments were unfounded because when I saw men balder than me, I didn’t think twice about their appearance. In fact, some looked distinguished or even cool. This realization helped me update my initial, flawed theory of mind to something more reasonable.
Worrying about our appearance is a common issue. We stress over the size and shape of our features, our skin texture, and our weight. We generally assume that others are judging us negatively. Sure, there’s plenty of judgment in the world, but we usually overestimate how harsh people are. This exaggerated fear causes us distress.
The theory of mind is crucial and develops as we grow, but problems arise when we don’t verify our assumptions. We often jump to conclusions about others’ thoughts—what psychologists call “mind-reading.” For example, I’ve avoided asking for help, assuming a “no” before even trying. I’ve believed that friendly people secretly disliked me or thought I was boring—all without evidence.
This tendency to mind-read amplifies anxiety because we thrive on social acceptance. When we feel judged or rejected—even if it’s just assumed—we experience anxiety and depression. Identifying and questioning our mind-reading habits can help alleviate this stress. The antidote is what Korean Zen teacher Seung Sahn called the “don’t-know mind.” He advised letting go of opinions and assumptions and embracing uncertainty.
So, watch your thoughts. Notice when you’re assigning judgments to others. Understand that these are often projections of your own fears, not factual knowledge. Ask yourself if you truly know what the other person is thinking. Adopting this “don’t-know mind” can help you either drop unfounded assumptions or check in to understand better. By reducing mind-reading, you’ll find that you’re less likely to stress yourself out.
I’ve been guilty of mind-reading for years, and it’s only accurate when you know someone very well. Even then, it’s often only 70 to 80% correct. It’s an error-prone habit that generally causes more problems than it solves. So, drop the mind-reading, and life will become a bit less stressful.